I'm In A Movie Called "Whore 2" And It Landed Me A Boyfriend

Whore 2 credits Jessica Sager actress Suzanne
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Buzz, Love

The movie "Whore 2" exists. "I" was in it. And it landed me a boyfriend.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I'll admit that I'm self-absorbed enough to do it occasionally, usually while job hunting (just in case). And the first time I Googled the name "Jessica Sager," I came upon something horrifying.

Apparently, there is a Jessica Sager in a movie. That would be cool, right? Except the movie is called Whore 2, and it even has an IMDB page.

There is a Jessica Sager in a movie called Whore 2.

This raises a lot of questions, not just for potential employers or suitors looking me up, but also for myself. The biggest of those questions is, "Who saw Whore and thought to themselves, 'There's much more story to be told here'?"

Of course, upon learning this, I had to research the s*it out of whoever this other, likely lesser Jessica Sager was and whether or not this movie was a really straightforward porno. I mentioned my quest to a guy I'd been casually seeing at the time who also happens to write for this site. He did some Googling of his own, and lo and behold, Whore 2 was on Netflix.

He had Netflix. I didn't. I finally agreed to go to his apartment for the first time, with the sole purpose being to watch this movie and really find myself. I warned him that there would be no funny business and not to even try, and considering he'd been too nervous to even kiss me much before this, I wasn't too worried.

I arrived, he let me in, and, despite the objective of the night, which, for me, was to watch a tawdry straight-to-video movie and make sure I was prettier than the other Jessica Sager, it turned out to be a pretty awesome evening: Perhaps to make up for the entertainment, there was a peppermint candle lit (most fragrances other than mint give me migraines), a platter of my favorite candy ready and a huge bottle of Diet Coke, which he never drinks but I do. There was a lot of thought put into, well, watching Whore 2.

In fact, a lot more thought was put into the evening than into the movie itself. I will summarize what of the film I can recall:

  • It's a drama that's meant to look like a documentary. The main character is a man who types with two fingers slower than you could ever imagine, to the point that it will actually infuriate you.
  • It was made in 1994, so hopefully future employers will know that I wasn't a rapidly aging and/or trafficked seven-year-old.
  • The other Jessica Sager played "Susan," a prostitute. I later learned that many of the prostitutes in the movie were prostitutes in real life. This didn't comfort me.
  • Whore 2 actually isn't a sequel to Whore. It just so happened that Whore was taken, so they added a "2" to the end of this movie to differentiate it from the original and first Whore. That level of creativity should tell you everything else you need to know about this film.

The movie itself was pretty awful, but I'd watch it again if I were drunk enough (or taking codeine again). Especially with company like that, because, well, he's pretty great and I love him a little. And because I still don't have a Netflix subscription.

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