We've got some serious dealbreakers here.
Oh me, oh my, the things people do. As a general rule, the human race can get up to some pretty strange business. Especially in bed. And we've got the literotica to prove it! Here are 15 women recounting their craziest, wildest, most downright freaky sex stories (for your reading pleasure).
And, you know, there’s an art to telling crazy sex stories.
Yes, they should be hot, but, more than anything, they should make people around the table/campfire/wine bar drop their jaws and scream “NO! What? Really?!”
Don’t worry — These ladies spilled their secrets, big time. From an armpit-licker to a hot mess of a human-gorilla, we've got the wacky, sexy stories you need to hear. We're not pulling any punches here; the stories we've rounded up really happened, to women of all ages, all over the country. And if you think you've heard and seen it all, guess again.
These eleven women plunged into unbelievable sex stories land and lived to tell the tale (much to our delight). In this gallery, you'll learn the truth of a Speedo's attractiveness (hint: it's low), and when it's appropriate to dress up like a super hero in order to seduce your date (second hint: never).
So take note, boys and girls: women love you and want to sleep with you, but not if you are trying to seduce us in a spectacularly dirty room, or you know, pee on us (unless that's your deal, in which case, no judgment. We love everyone at YourTango).
Here are 15 true-life works of OMG erotica that will almost (key word: ALMOST) make you wish that your own personal sex stories were just a tiny bit freakier.
1. No Means No
"I met a guy online who was good looking. He seemed like a normal guy who I thought would be a fun hookup. But before we'd barely even gotten into it, he asked if he could put it in my butt. When I said no, he asked, 'Why not?' Um, because I said so? This is the FIRST time we've hooked up, and you're going there already? Not to mention all he could talk about the rest of the time that we hung out was my ass. That was the end of that. He apologized after a little time had passed and was actually sincere about it, but I was definitely not interested in trying again. When I say no, I mean NO." - Keira, 25
2. Peeing Also Means No
"Once my ex boyfriend asked me to pee on him during sex. I could never look at him the same. Even now [when I look back] it's like, everything was great ... and then there was this need for my pee..." — Ashley, 26
And she's not alone ...
"While getting ready to have sex with a guy, he asked if he could pee in side of me...we haven't spoken in over a year." — Sheena, 29
3. Laverne And Shirley Have No Place In The Bedroom
"For some reason, the guy I'm dating and I were talking about TV theme songs while laying in bed. So, before we got intimate he decided to turn on the theme song to the TV show Laverne and Shirley. I can NOT have sex to the theme song of Laverne and Shirley. It's just not possible." — Margo, 41
4. Stuffed Squirrels Are Not Sexy
"On a chilly night in October, an adorable friend of a friend invited me back to his place after dancing. He was cute, romantic and really funny. We got to his charming apartment and low and behold — he was into taxidermy. But I'm not talking a stuffed moose. Being that it's New York City and the apartments are small, all he had room for was a stuffed squirrel, lying on his fireplace mantle on its side. Just staring at me. A stuffed squirrel? That's an urban rodent. Who wants to make eye contact with a squirrel when they're having sex? DEALBREAKER." -Vicky, 35, author of The Russian Drop: Love, Hate, and Revenge in New York City
5. Keep Your King Kong Behavior To Yourself
"I had been friends with this guy for years, and we had a little too much to drink one night and ended up back at his place. He's one of those, 'I go to the gym every day and drink things that involve raw eggs and grass' types. Great body, totally chiseled. So we 're getting all hot and heavy, clothes start coming off. ... and he starts grunting. And I don't mean in a good way. He starts grunting, shaking his head from side to side, rolling his shoulders around ... and I'm trying to ignore it and go about my business. The closer we get to intercourse, the crazier this gets. Now, he's saying, "Yeah bro!" And banging on his chest. I was like, is he about to bench press me, or do me? It was so creepy! I had to stop him because I was so freaked out, I got my clothes and left. I got a dozen roses the next day with a note saying, 'So sorry for my King-Kong like behavior. You bring out the animal in me...'" — Jen, 37
6. Armpits Are A No-Lick Zone
"When I was in high school, this older guy I was seeing started licking my armpits while we were hooking up. On purpose. Dealbreaker." — Helena, 25
7. Don't Try To Be A Superhero
"The creepiest sex dealbreaker I have ever experienced was when a guy blindfolded me for a 'birthday surprise' ... and came out in a full body Lycra Spider-Man suit. I screamed and ran out of there so fast!" Ann, 23
8. Speedos Still Aren't Sexy
"I was in Vegas at a pool party when I saw this guy who was in a really short speedo. My friends and I were laughing at him -- we couldn't believe he was wearing that! Later that night we went out to the club and met these Australian guys. I went back with one of them to his hotel room, and when I went into his bathroom, and I saw the SAME speedo that we had seen at the pool party hanging in his bathtub. I was like wait ... am I about to have sex with the guy who was wearing that tiny speedo at the pool party right now? No way." Michelle, 24
9. A Filthy Room Isn't Sexy Either
"Last spring I encountered a sexy stranger on the M train. We eye flirted for about 6 stops until he finally sat across from me. We went for drinks at a local Bushwick bar. After one too many drinks we went back to his apartment and straight into his bedroom...which was a WAR ZONE. It was as if I had stepped into the bedroom of a 13-year-old boy who had no friends. Piles upon piles of dirty clothes were laid on top of video games, which laid on top of, and around, his dingy twin mattress. In addition to the mess, his mattress laid crooked, without a bed frame, on the floor. He didn’t excuse the mess, he just said 'don’t judge me,' as he began removing the clutter from his bed. I was tipsy enough to consider staying until I saw him remove beer bottles and empty fast food bags from the mattress pile. For a cute hookup I can put up with a lot, but lack of basic cleanliness and hygiene is a serious dealbreaker." — Jordana, 23
10. You're Not Willy Wonka
"As I was hooking up with this guy, he stops and says, 'You get a golden ticket!' like Willy Wonka, and pulls out a magnum condom with a gold wrapper...dealbreaker." — Maureen, 25
11. Some Massages Are Better Than Others
"Saturday, I went really hard. I was on molly and moon rocks all day, and running around being crazy. I woke up the next day really needing a massage. I went to get one at my hotel, and the male masseuse kept touching around my area. Then he was like, 'Is this OK?' I was like, 'Yeah!' So he went all for it and I got 90 more minutes. I came five times. He fingered me and he ate me out. I didn't have to reciprocate. It was great! He kept telling me to quiet down because I was screaming on the table. I left all wobbly legged. I couldn't walk. It was amazing. He was awesome. It was crazy."
— Lois, 31 (From Cosmopolitan’s “11 Batsh*t Crazy Coachella Hookup Stories”)
12. Be Sure To Mind Your Volume
“Italy has very strict noise policies, and the echoes are crazy because of the cobble stone and the way the buildings are structured around courtyards. One time, my friend was so blacked out and loud during sex that the police AND the military police were called. She spent the night in a jail cell. It was that good, I guess.”
— Laura, 26 (From Thought Catalog’s “21 Women Reveal The Craziest Sexual Experience They Had In Europe That They’d Never Have Back Home”)
13. Don’t Litter
"My boyfriend and I were at the park getting it on in the backseat of a car when we were suddenly blinded by a cop's flashlight shining right on us from the other side of the window. Fortunately, he was nice enough to give us a warning. Unfortunately, he made my boyfriend get out of the car and fetch the condoms we threw out the window."
— Logan (From Cosmopolitan’s “11 Women Reveal Their Most Awkward Sex-in-Public Stories Ever”)
14. At Least They Didn’t Have To Call The Fire Department
“It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realized that my head was stuck between the brass posts. I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn't save me — he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.”
— Username “interrobanggirl” (From Jezebel’s “The 10 Worst Sex Stories We've Ever Heard”)
15. No Rope Tricks Until After The Third Date
“I wasn’t sure I was ready to date, since I was just coming off a really bad breakup, but he called me one night when my BFF and I were in Hollywood to see a movie. His friend (who is now a major TV star) were at the Chateau Marmont and wanted to buy us a couple of drinks.
As broke 25 year-olds, this sounded a lot better than seeing a movie in a dumpy little theater, so we headed over there. It turned out to be a great time, and the chemistry was totally sparking.
We retired back to his friend’s house up in the Hollywood Hills, and this guy and I started kissing. They were sweet kisses and I couldn’t believe the chemistry or how kind and respectful he was.
When my friend and his friend went inside to play pool, he leaned into my ear to whisper something. I was expecting something very romantic, but instead he said, “I just want to tie you to a table and f*ck you.”
I looked back, aghast. Had I heard him right? What?! How did this guy who held every door and spoke so quietly and actually asked permission before he kissed me think that requesting to tie me to a table and f*ck me was a totally normal progression from third real kiss?
Needless to say, there was no tying to tables or even just regular f*cking that night. I was definitely not the right girl for him!”
— Ann, 29