Is Nutella your boyfriend? Probably.
It's World Nutella Day—aka the best holiday ever!
But, I have some devastating news to share with you, my friends. Are you sitting down? Actually, maybe you should even tape yourself to your chair to keep you from jumping up and throwing angry fists at the sky. OK. Are you ready?
YOUR BELOVED NUTELLA IS IN JEOPARDY.
According to the Weather Channel, "surging crops prices, which are up by 60 percent, a ten-year" could be pushing prices of Nutella way up. If that's not scary enough, after a bad season in Turkey, where 70 percent of the world's hazelnuts are harvested, all hazelnut-based products’ availability could become very scarce very soon.
Out of fear of a world without Nutella, Ferrero, who makes the delicious treat, purchased the hazelnut suppliers in Turkey, in the hopes of protecting us from an existence sans Nutella. I mean, can you imagine? Wait. Let's not go there just yet.
Similarly to the shortage scare of limes and avocados in the past year, this news about hazelnuts is just further proof that erratic weather (climate change, anyone?) and changes in the environment are taking a toll on some of our most beloved foods. There’s no telling what will happen in the coming years, but you might want to emotionally prepare yourself for the worst, and stock up on your Nutella NOW.
Did all of the above shake you to your core? Then you're probably in a relationship with Nutella, and here's even more proof that this is the case.
What can you put your Nutella on this morning? A baguette? Bagel? Regular old toast? Or do you have time to carefully make a Nutella-filled crêpe like the ones you used to eat that semester abroad in Paris? Wait. You don't have a crêpe pan? To do list: buy crêpe pan… and more Nutella. ASAP.
Screw therapy. Forget the pint of Ben & Jerry's. And the bottle of wine in which to drown your sorrows? No, thanks. When things hit the fan, nothing consoles quite like Nutella. The best part? It’s such a good listener and never, not even once, tells you to stop crying.
Because of course it is. I mean, like a photo of just you would be a complete and utter insult to your main squeeze.
You've even tried to fashion a dress out of the yummy, gooey stuff, but lo and behold, you can’t sew Nutella. WHY CAN'T YOU SEW NUTELLA?
Nutella is the air you breathe. It’s the sun on your face. It's the life source that keeps your heart beating, your blood pumping, and your skin glowing. The thought of being without it is like, well, not even an option. And you refuse to apologize for your devotion. Refuse!
Some people don't want to be friends with people who vote for different political parties, others wouldn’t dare to entire into a friendship with someone who thinks Nickelback is all the rage, so why would you keep a friend around who doesn’t understand your relationship with Nutella? It's like being friends with the enemy.
Who needs a pet or a teddy bear, when you have this little gem in your life to keep you warm and cozy at night?
You don't want to change your Nutella, but you want to bring out its very best qualities, so you’re forever experimenting with ways to really make it shine… in your belly.
Wipe that happy tear from your eye. I get it.
Well, shouldn't your first thought of the day and your last thought of the day be the same? Isn't that the sign of true love? One word: YES.
You. Can't. Even. You seriously, just can't even. The fact that I've even dared to broach this possibility makes you want to claw my eyes out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. As I said before, I get it. I really do.