According to this guy, I'm clearly doomed to die alone.
So there's this guy on OkCupid who CLEARLY has standards. In fact, he is SO committed to finding The One, that he's outlined 123 of these specified standards in a list I'm dubbing easily as "The World's Most Epic List Of Dealbreakers." This sparkling little gem — now resurfacing from Tumblr — covers everything from subway etiquette to reading material to musical preferences.
Yeah, and you thought your last date was bad.
Just for funsies, I decided to see how I might stack up against this seemingly never-ending list of "don'ts" (I'm keeping the dude's poor spelling and punctuation for the sake of consistency). And after taking this test, it turns out that I'm basically doomed to singledom forever.
1. you listen to the Doors
At what frequency? Like, once in awhile when my iPod is on shuffle or every other minute? In a world where THIS kind of crap is passed off as "music", I think the Doors is the LEAST offensive musical talent out there, man.
2. you have photos of yourself in some sort of forced perspective with a famous landmark
3. you like drawn mustache fingers
I am a confessed pogonophile — does that come too close?
4. 4/5 of your photos are you at a wedding
Hey now, given that I dressed up to look smart and sophisticated for this nuptial event, I think I should be entitled to snag a selfie or two, no?
5. you have tattoos you can't see without a mirror
I've yet to be tatted up, so I think we're in the clear for now.
6. you have tattoos that can't be covered (neck, face, hands, etc)
Wait so do you LIKE tattoos or HATE tattoos? I'm confused.
7. you have piercings that will leave gaping holes in your body forever
8. you consider yourself bi-sexual but have no interest in a longterm relationship with someone of the same sex
Well, I don't consider myself bisexual ... but this single dealbreaker tackles two different issues: commitment and sexuality. CLARIFY, PLEASE.
9. you have any affiliation with any religion
I'm a non-practicing WASP, but I do go to mass on Christmas when my mother guilts me into it. So I guess you should count me (and the 99 percent of the world's population) out.
10. you have photos of yourself covering your mouth, your friend covering their ears, and another friend covering their eyes
(You should really lump these photo requirements together into one section. That way, I can more easily go through the entire collection of my documented life over the past 24 years. #eyeroll)
11. you say "yolo", or anything of this ilk
I counter this with MY dealbreaker: douchebags who use the term "ilk".
12. your desire in life is power and prestige
I'm not like genie Jafar from Aladdin ("The ultimate POWER!"), but I would not like to live in a cardboard box, thanks. Can we aim for a happy compromise here?
13. your career, which you worked very hard for, will vanish, to be replaced by children that you suddenly discovered you always wanted
My career can "vanish" into thin air? CHILDREN STEAL CAREERS?! OH GOD.
14. you don't shower daily
Keeping up personal hygiene isn't unreasonable. Just make sure to practice what you preach, guy. I'll be the first to let you know if you're stinkin' up the place.
15. you dye your hair light blonde
Are you simply against a bad dye job or against blondes altogether? I'm a natural blonde, guy. Didn't you ever hear that we have the most fun? #wink
16. you want a home birth
You just said I can't "suddenly" be overcome with the maternal instinct to have kids, so why would it even get this far to deciding birthing styles?
17. you think you deserve chivalry, rather than earn it, through your own polite demeanor
Hm. Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black, bro?
18. you talk full volume on your phone in a congested public place
So that time I drunkenly cried on the phone in the middle of an Applebees counts I guess? Oops.
19. you wear massive headphones
Yes, please advise me on what products to buy as well as how to use my listening devices. But as long as I don't have the Doors on my iPod, we're good though, right?
20. you don't follow traffic laws when biking/driving
Who hasn't jaywalked at least once in their life? C'mon. LIVE ON THE EDGE.
21. you are shocked that people are becoming more cynical
(No, I'm not shocked. But guy, you're not helping with this societal epidemic.)
22. you think world peace is actually a goal of some sort
But world domination is — MWAHAHA. Oh wait, you said I couldn't reach for prestige and power. So which is it?
23. you tell the same joke in the same circumstance time and time again
Hey! Some funny anecdotes are hilarious TIME AND TIME AGAIN. It's not my fault if you have the sense of humor equivalent to a piece of toast. Like, that time my dog barked at the water in our backyard pool for 3 hours? I tell that joke repeatedly. Y' know, why?
24. you demand respect, but, would also happily become a trophy wife if the money were good enough
Do you demand respect simply by being a "trophy" husband? You don't seem like any kind of award I want to win.
25. you walk through crowds looking at your phone
If I walk through crowds looking at my phone, my chances of getting hit by a bus and dying are like, tripled. So don't worry. You won't have to date me.
26. you name drop near strangers to let them know how much cooler you are than them
"So I know [insert your name here] on OKCupid with this epic list of dealbreakers." Oh, woops I dropped your name. My bad. Oh wait, that's right YOU'RE NOT COOL.
27. you play 5 chords on the guitar and sing like jewel/lisa loeb/dido/etc
Well, if I can't listen to the Doors on my enormous ear-engulfing headphones, why can't I create my own music? I think you should just own up to the idea that you've got something against music. People say that no one hates music. Well, congratulations for ruining that universal truth, guy.
28. you crave attention from strangers
I think SOMEONE craves attention from strangers with this list. (*Pointedly stares at you.*)
29. you pet wandering mystery cat with no regard for toxoplasmosis
*Discreetly googles "toxoplasnmfiwpwkfehugwhatever"*.
30. you "want it all", but can't offer the foundation on which to build such a life
I want that croissant, but sometimes, I just don't have that extra dollar. That doesn't mean I don't still want the croissant, damnit.
31. you think your binge drinking is simply a symptom of youth
Aww, sounds like someone never got into the frat parties in college. Are we bitter?
32. you wear yoga clothes when not engaging in yoga
*Hides 876 pairs of yoga pants from my closet*. NOPE. ALL CLEAR HERE.
33. you think that your real face is the one covered in makeup
But don't I look BEAUTIFUL?
34. you dye, cut, and style your hair according to your bad moods
If I were dating you, I guess I'd be chopping my hair off 24/7.
35. your favorite literature is from your grade 9 curriculum
Did you not reach that grade?
36. you're a spiteful food and beverage employee that spits in the cuisine of customers you don't favour
I'm willing to bet this is happening to YOU more than you realize.
37. you discuss pinterest/facebook/etc in the visceral world
Sorry, but I LIVE for finding little gems from the internet ... kinda like this list!
38. your response to most everything is wrapped in sarcasm
Yep, and with a pretty little bow on top!
39. you believe that negativity is useless
... when is it helpful?
40. you consider yourself a happy person
I GET IT NOW. You must be ...
41. You believe that animals with cute soulful eyes are equal to humans simply because of their cute soulful eyes
I submit this GIF as evidence to the contrary:
42. you shoplift
I have a compulsive tendency to hoard to-go napkins and sugar packets from restaurants by the handful ... but you don't need to know that.
43. you write missed connections for people with whom you've never spoken
Or otherwise resorted to the internet to find a romantic partner? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. In other words, people who take the time to write up ridiculous dealbreaker lists on OKCupid shouldn't mock online dating resources, IDIOT.
44. you walk three people wide on the sidewalk
Um, "three people wide"? Please explain this new metric system to me. I was unaware.
45. you sit on the outer seat with an empty seat beside you on the bus/streetcar/subway
So in other words, don't sit "three people wide" on public transportation? Right, got it.
46. you put your bag on the seat on the bus/streetcar/subway
47. you drive a car and believe yourself better than the bus/streetcar/subway
It's not that I think I'm too good for the subway. Trust me, I ride it into the city every day for an hour each way. But if I can avoid having 18 armpits in my face, why wouldn't I opt for a roomy, air-conditioned car? This one isn't even fair.
48. you hunt, but don't consume your success
49. you read cosmopolitan
50. you are offended that models are generally thin
Let's make a clear distinction here. I don't think anyone is offended by models simply based on the fact that they are "thin." People like myself just take umbrage to the fact that their thinness is idealized. But in your mind, this is the same thing, isn't it? Whatever, I guess I fail this one.
51. you subject yourself to television/film/media that purports a different body image than you believe to be average, thereby angering yourself
52. you blindly give to any charity without knowing how the money is distributed
So you're against world peace, cute animals, and now charity? What a nice fellow you are.
53. you spend more than you make
Okay, I will go on the record as saying that I agree with you on this one. (Just don't look at my Seamless history.)
54. your main profile is you in your bikini
So no beach pictures, wedding pictures or pictures in front of historical landmarks. Right, got it.
55. you believe that a dating site is a last resort
Well, you're not exactly giving them a fair representation right now.
56. you smell like the food you eat
I can only hope I smell like sugar-coated baked goods.
57. you believe gender is cultural
... because you think it's not?
58. you think individual cultures enrich the global community, rather than maintaining its racial separations
59. you have enough tattoos, or, such poorly placed tattoos (chest piece, etc) that your body will essentially never be nude again
I didn't realize that having tattoos prevented you from wearing clothes.
60. you have formed a political persona for yourself based solely on "facts" your friends and/or family have told you, without investigating for yourself
So I take it you're not a fan of "THANKS, OBAMA" jokes? This might not work out between us then.
61. you read vice magazine
I do NOT read vice. (Yay! Only 61 items in but we've officially found something in common!)
62. you talk over people
Based on this list of yours, I have the distinct suspicion you do a lot of talking yourself, Mr. Opinions.
63. you desire luxury over practicality
I guess I'm guilty of this one, but who isn't? I'd rather have the Louboutins over the Target sandals. My bad.
64. you believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, no matter how inane
Nope. I don't believe your entitled to your inane opinions.
65. you believe that religious individuals should be tolerated, rather than educated
I've never found that "Jesus was a fat liar" as a line works well on a first date. Have you?
66. you travel to third world countries for vacations
But what about "practicality" over "luxury"? Europe isn't cheap, you know! Tsk tsk. Consistency?
67. you belittle transgender people
I can be clear about this one:
68. you are transgender and expect that everyone has researched your lifestyle/biological determination and is therefore not taken aback by your appearance
B-but you just said people shouldn't belittle transgender people!
69. you suffer from one or multiple mental illnesses and refuse treatment
Sounds like someone is suffering desperately from douchebagitis and needs an intervention STAT.
70. you take and display photos of yourself with lighting and angles that intend to deceive the viewer
But the Valencia filter on Instagram makes me look like a shiny, poreless unicorn! Don't you want me to look like a shiny, poreless unicorn in our couple selfies, sweetheart?
71. you confuse personal style with personality
But my personal style is supposed to reflect my personality, right? Got you there!
72. you own a name brand purse or handbag (burberry, louis vutton, etc), or its equivalent knock off
IT'S SPELLED "LOUIS VUITTON" GENIUS — with an "i". You would know this if you weren't so familiar with Canal Street.
73. you claim to possess environmental concerns, but do little to contribute
Okay, I have been known to double-up on plastic bags carrying my groceries from the bodega. But that was one time! DEMONIZE ME for it, why don't you?
74. you lecture others ad nauseum about how you contribute to society
... or about how others aren't contributing to the environment? (See what I did there?)
75. attending a valid protest is a social event for you, rather than a civic duty
What? I can't make small talk with the other picketers?
76. you think those those who don't vote have no right to complain
... because you're one of those who people who reserve the right to complain, right?
77. you can't see your own biases
78. you stand in entrances and exits to check for something in your bag/on your phone
It would help if you could print me out a blueprint of every venue where we'll be dating so I can memorize spots of acceptable immobility.
79. you have a black/gay/etc friend who doesn't mind your bigoted slurs, and therefore, believe you can verbally distribute these utterances anywhere with impunity
This isn't 1963. I'm pretty familiar with non-PC language by now (along with the rest of decent society).
80. you wear uncomfortable clothing and/or shoes for the sake of feminine style
But you just made me throw away my yoga pants collection! WTF?
81. you engage in overly painful "beautification" regiments
No, I'm not into the whole vampire facial thing.
82. you needlessly kill spiders
Do you NOT kill spiders?!
83. you think a person who has forceful paedophilic thoughts is evil, rather than ill
Er, do YOU have "forceful paedophilic thoughts"?
84. you scoff at smokers, but consume copious amounts of sugar/sodium/alcohol/caffeine/etc
(Meanwhile, I'm all like:)
85. you have anything but disdain for global royalty
But ... but the Royal Baby is SO CUTE. I mean, have you SEEN the GIFs of his Royal Highness?
86. you have an invested interest in celebrity gossip
I think everyone is invested in watching the trainwreck that is Miley Cyrus' career. She unites us as a nation!
87. you describe yourself, or others, as nerds and/or geeks, meaning to be complimentary
I think a few million people at Comic-Con right now would disagree with you there, sir.
88. you're a bad tipper
No bad tipping from customers and no food-spitting from waiters. You must run your own restaurant. Oh no? You don't? Then SETTLE DOWN.
89. you tell more than 1 person a day that they "have to watch" a television series that you enjoy
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. I will tell everyone and anyone who hasn't seen Orange Is The New Black that they need to stop what they're doing and go home and bingewatch it on Netflix. Like, right now. I'm like a messiah for pop culture.
90. you feel its okay to stop a celebrity to talk and take a photo
It depends on the celebrity. Some washed up C-lister isn't going to catch my eye, but if Robert Downey Jr. walks into the room, you can bet I'm going to "fangirl freak out" all over that man.
91. you're a holocaust denier
There are still people like that out there?
92. you're a zionist
Nope, can't say that I am. NEXT!
93. you use the term "foodie"
...to describe myself or other people?
94. browsing photos of cats is an activity for you
Then good luck to you trying to find someone dateable on the internet, man.
95. bacon is important to you
What level of importance are we talking about here? Like "occassional brunch" level of importance or like, "Pinterest board exclusively for bacon cupcake recipes" level of importance? (Both are perfectly acceptable in my opinion.)
96. you can't find even one candid photo of yourself that is honest or complimentary, so all of your pictures are of you holding a cellphone up to a mirror
Why don't you just come over to my place and take my dating profile picture for me? That way, we can avoid all of the photograph snafus.
97. you have more than 4 profile photos to show where you've vacationed, and, generic activities in which you've engaged (skydiving, facial obscuring costume parties, etc)
Are you James Bond? How in the world do skydiving and facial obscuring costume parties (they're called "masquerade balls" for the record) fall under "generic" date activity?
98. you have the need to see every game/match/etc of a particular sports team, or, sport.
I like that you felt the need to distinguish game from match and sports team from sports. It's all the same, man. WE GET IT: YOU DON'T LIKE FUN.
99. you engage in gratuitous verbal hyperbole on a regular basis
But this is the SINGLE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!
100. you purchased a vanity license plate
What, like "ForeverAlone99"?
101. you think a british/s.african/etc accent is charming and sexy, rather than deeply ingrained slang that curves away from proper phonetic speech
Did your ex leave you for someone with this aforementioned accent?
102. you don't realize that john lennon was a "bono level" douche
You would be an expert in that arena, wouldn't you?
103. you guilt-trip people to get your way
104. you have, or, would like to attend burning man
I know, it's such a "generic activity", am I right?
105. you believe that there are only a few bad police officers that make the majority look bad, rather than the opposite
Is this "political persona" based on "facts" from your friends and family?
106. you haven't acknowledged that: if the police had no guns, no one would need them for anything that we could not take care of for ourselves
You know, for someone who dislikes strong political opinions, you seem to have a lot of them yourself.
107. you have, or would, take part in a "flash mob"
The fact that you put this in quotations just proves that you're not cool enough for them, anyway.
108. you think trampolines are safe for children
...or trampolines. You never had a childhood, did you?
109. within a group of 3 people, you discuss a topic at great length that only applies to 1 of the 2 people
Seriously, no one is going to be up to speed on everyone else's daily lives ... unless ...
110. you tell random people on the street to "smile", thinking this suggestion will improve their day, of which you are entirely oblivious
Right. Because telling someone to "feel worse" is helpful, right? I already learned from you that negativity is helpful. #eyeroll
111. you claim to read more than you actually have, saying that you "haven't read that in such a loooong time" to anyone asking what you thought about a book which you, at some point, lied about reading
Well the last thing I read was this "loooong" list of yours. And it's a freakin' novel in its own right.
112. you read exclusively Young Adult fiction
*Discreetly hides my Harry Potter collection.*
113. you think feminism hurts, more than helps, at this point in time
FINALLY, something we agree upon: Get it ladies!
114. your dissatisfaction with your body image has caused you to be as aesthetically obnoxious as possible to somehow compensate for your perceived shortcomings
... oh, and now you ruined it.
115. you wear a stetson/fedora/etc hat with casual attire
You're just jealous that you can't rock a fedora with the swag of JT circa 2002.
116. you wear a "toque" in the summer months
I'm running out of headwear options, sir. Do you WANT me to burn?!
117. you buy pre-damaged clothing
Pre-used? Yes. Pre-damaged? I'm not sure what that means. Does a "pre-damaged" sweater mean a small snag or a litter of feral cats once lived in it? I can't promise against the latter.
118. your photos are more than 2 years old
But I LOOKED SO GOOD two years ago.
119. you think your "night life" activities (attending clubs/bars/late night pizza excursions) are a big part of what makes you an "fun and interesting person", rather than a standard fare customer
Because writing up lists like these is SO MUCH MORE FUN, OMG.
120. you believe that, in 15 years, you'll look more or less as good as you do now, and act accordingly
Well, I don't plan on being the victim of a natural disaster/tiger mauling so I think my chances of looking somewhat like the same human being are fairly good.
121. your favourite films are "the shawshank redemption", "lock,stock, and two smoking barrles", and ""the princess bride"
Those are all very specific titles, no? What do you have against a prisoner seeing the light or an epic love story?
122. you take part in "zombie walks"
AGAIN, not all of us have casual access to skydiving and masquerade balls, dude.
123. you use sex as a currency in a relationship
I sure don't, but you know what? I might hook you up with another famous Internet sensation: Mr. Sex Spreadsheet Guy. You two might learn something from each other.