Miley Cyrus has taught us to expect the unexpected. Because, you know, she's such a rebel and she's so urban! (The latter was her own word. We can't write this stuff.) Cyrus, if you're reading this (and you probably are, because you love attention and probably the Google alerts that come with it), put on some clothes, listen up and learn how to really shock us, starting with the 2013 American Music Awards this weekend.
1. Wash your hair.
You've boasted before that part of the perks of short hair is not having to wash it often, but please, do it just this once. You're so pretty, but you make yourself look like you smell bad.
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2. Realize that smoking weed isn't as big a deal as you think it is.
Lighting up a blunt only seems rebellious to you because you were Hannah Montana back in the day. If you really want to seem grown up and adult, you should probably stop acting out in ways that are only truly badass to the Disney demographic from which you're so desperately trying to break free. Note: If you're simply treating glaucoma, I apologize and take all of this back.
3. Never, ever twerk again.
It's not only played out, but you're not even really twerking correctly, and we're sick of the secondhand embarrassment you constantly bring. You don't look like you're twerking; you just look like you're struggling to keep your balance in a tornado. Just stop. Please.
4. Keep your tongue in your mouth.
Or at least scrape it before you show it off. Even just rubbing it against the edges of your obvious veneers should help.
5. Leave the teddy bears out of this.
We don't think they consented to those tossed salads from the VMAs. (And to you and Robin Thicke: "I know you want it" is not consent. It is creepy.)
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6. Sing on key.
We know you're capable of this. You've done it before. You should probably try doing it again. If you did, you wouldn't need to resort to the rest of these stunts.
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