The only match to catch is one who is perfect for you.
Christine Baumgartner of ThePerfectCatch.com is a Southern California dating coach who is committed to helping people find their perfect catch. Unlike many love gurus who operate from the ungrounded aspect of the "law of attraction", Christine is grounded and practical in her approach. She created her coaching method based on principles that are geared towards results. For most singles the main reason they are still solo is because they are in their own way. In the following Q&A Christine explains how to bust out of your love barriers.
How does your coaching method work with a client to change unhealthy subconscious beliefs and patterns that attract unhealthy love and relationship dynamics?
I use written and verbal questions to help us uncover the subconscious beliefs and patterns that were formed by their past experiences. It tends to be very interesting for my client’s to see how directly their current relationships are a reflection of these old beliefs.
Can you describe how this kind of in-depth work works with clients? How would you describe a session by session process with you to re-design a person's love map and love picker towards a healthy orientation?
The steps we go through include: acknowledging current beliefs, confirming where they started, assessing which ones to keep and which ones to change to create the healthiest relationships for them, working through the challenges and benefits of changing those beliefs, establishing techniques to work through the resistance to change, begin approaching the world of dating with new awareness, begin dating the right type of person, addressing the normal dating challenges, building on the new level of confident dating, consistently dating the right type of person.
What are the strategies that you incorporate to make sure that the new beliefs become ingrained in a person's subconscious?
I use a variety of strategies depending upon the person. Often I start with changing something they normally do (that doesn’t have anything to do with dating) like using a different hand for brushing their teeth, driving a new way to work, etc. This brings up the possible challenges and resist they could have to change in general and gives them a chance to use my techniques feel successful going through this change. Then we begin build on this feeling of success when the challenges of changing the way they’ve been dating come up. I also give each client very small steps along the way, that because of the information I’ve been gathering about them, give them continuous opportunities to feel successful.
How do beliefs attract experiences and people who are consistent with those beliefs? Beyond the Law of Attraction definition is there another more grounded way to explain this phenomenon?
Along with the Law of Attraction (I do believe our attitude about ourselves and others attracts like attitudes) I know we see what we expect to see. In an experiment I use with my client’s I ask them to spend the next week noticing blue cars. When we talk again they always comment that they didn’t realize there were so many blue cars on the road. I explain they saw so many because this is where they were putting their attention. It’s the same with dating. If you think there are available single people in your age group you will see quite a few of them. And if you think there aren’t many then you’ll tend to notice the ones in your age group who aren’t available and not notice the ones who are.
What led you to design this coaching process and how did you put the contents together into your own method?
I was my first client. After dating men who had so many of the traits I didn’t want I wondered if this might be happening because I was attracting it. Initially kind of a yucky realization. Then I figured if I truly was the reason then I could do something about it. So I perfected this process through my dating experiences and when I started only dating men who had traits I liked my friends started asking me to teach them how to do the same thing. And my business was born when I met my husband in 2005 and we were married in 2007.
Do you find that certain modalities like hypnosis or EMDR are especially helpful for a person who is changing long-standing beliefs that have been in their minds for a long time?
Yes, I believe using a variety of modalities can be very helpful. Frequently the “symptom” behind the dating patterns that aren’t working for us are evident in our most recent relationships. And the “reason” began when we were quite young. And hypnosis and EMDR very helpful.
Are there particular tactics that you use when a person is incredibly resistant to busting through their internal barriers to love despite the benefits to doing so?
There are a number of tactics that help. Women who have children often are concerned their children will (or have already) experience the same challenges in their relationships that my client’s have. So, it’s logical that their children learned how to have relationships that don’t work from them. So, if my client’s will learn how to have healthy and happy relationships it stands to reason their children will learn this from them too. It’s turned out to be a very successful bribe for this type of resistance.
People have had bad experiences with other love coaches. Sometimes its just a bad fit or the coaching has run its course. Other times the client and coach bear responsibility. How do you advise clients to be out of their own way when engaging in a love coaching process? What advice would you give to coaches to avoid harming a client through poor choice of words that lead to blaming the customer?
I think it’s important in any intimate relationship for both people to pay attention to the reactions you each have to the other person. And then determine how much of that reaction is because of ‘your stuff’ and how much might be because they truly aren’t a good match for you. From the point of view of a client selecting a coach I think it’s important to- 1) Feel they’re on your side 2) Believe they want you to succeed 3) Confirm they offer a variety of coaching options, because one size doesn’t fit all 4) Confirm they will be a compassionate and honest sounding board From the point of view of the coach I think it’s important – 1) Know your skills can help them reach their goal 2) Like them as a person 3) Know if you can be flexible in your coaching style 4) Be comfortable saying you aren’t a good match 5) Hopefully have someone you can refer them to who can help them.
Do you work with clients who are also seeing a therapist to ensure that issues best dealt with in therapy are properly addressed?
Oh yes. I’m a great advocate of therapy. I know there are issues that are outside my expertise and I have a therapist that I refer my client’s to. She also sends me client’s who want to specifically work through issues they have around dating. What kind of training do you have as a coach?
Since coaching is not regulated the way social workers and marriage and family therapists are, how can people do their due diligence to select a well trained coach?
This is such an important question because of the fact you stated that coaches aren’t regulated. I think one of the best ways to qualify a coach is to be referred by someone who knows them. Most of my client’s have come to me as a referral from a friend or a current client. An aside to this comment – I never talk about my clients to anyone. I have a friend who is very happily married who recommended 4 of the people I’m currently working with. This friend and I had lunch recently and she sent out an email to about 10 of her single friends telling them about some of the fun things we talked about at lunch and how they might want to talk to me. My 4 client’s each commented that they were pleased to confirm that I hadn’t discussed their coaching with our mutual friend. Two of them have referred their single friends to me. It can be a challenge to ask for references because most people aren’t comfortable talking to strangers about their coaching experience so another way to learn about a coach you’re considering is to read testimonials on their web site or read articles they write and how they address any comments.