I can almost finish their sentences at this point. Almost.
[Editor's note: Bo Sellers is a Los Angeles-based comedian, who appeared this season on Oxygen's My Big Fat Revenge. YourTango recently partnered with Oxygen to give away a prize pack including $500 AMEX card, $300 Whole Foods card, and two $100 Fitbits and our big winner is Stephania from Michigan! Congrats, Stephania!]
When I moved to Los Angeles four years ago, I didn't know anyone and bar-hopped solo hoping fantasy people would approach me to be their BFF. I badly wanted a group of girl friends that I could shop with and see a movie on a Friday night. Instead, I ended up serial dating men, as they were the only gender to chat me up.
Unfortunately, these guys' usual intentions were to decipher the formula to undress me and play a little game of "just the tip, just to see how it feels." On weekends, I'd go on as many as five dates per day, meeting men for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner and drinks. Sure, I was having a great time and enjoying my early twenties in a new city. But some time after my fiftieth first date, I noticed five main lies spewed by the not-so-noble type:
5. "I'm not a player." Oh, and I'm sure you didn't check out the hostess' ass either? Let's not fool ourselves, we all appreciate beauty—but if I meet you at a bar, on ladies night, and you smell of enough variations of women's perfume to double as a French-whore, the odds are you've been grinding your crotch on a woman or two. Sorry, boys, actions—and cheap perfume—will always speak for themselves.
4. "I don't play games." What kind of games are you referring to, sir? If you don't play any, why are they worth mentioning? Strategic and conniving in all the right ways, you manage to rope your unsuspecting victims in with as much grace and ease as a world class chess champion.
3. "I date a lot of really attractive women." I highly doubt your last love looked like Angelina Jolie when you can't remember to brush your hat hair before meeting me for happy hour. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the Kate Moss look-alike you're trying to claim as your ex-girlfriend looks a lot like a stock photo I've seen on Google Images.
2. "I work out everyday." Then how come you were winded walking me to my door? I don't need you to be the Michael Phelps of my a-sexual fantasies, but don't kid yourself. Lifting a six-pack of beer, from the fridge to the couch, to catch up on your TiVo-ed episodes of Bar Rescue doesn't suffice as cardio or weightlifting. Bench press me on top of a bar and then tell me a real story.
1. "I don't lie." Well, there's your biggest, and most unbelievable, lie. Everyone lies. Be it for self-preservation, or image enhancement, omitting the truth is just as much of a lie. So while we'd all like to consider ourselves Mother Teresa, a fib or two is inevitable.
I don't blame you, men. It's hard in the dating world these days when your female choices are limited to a woman who has her entire wedding planned on Pinterest, or a woman with twenty-six TiVo-ed episodes of Snapped. But really, if you're serious about me, skip the games and man up.
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