Healthy choice. Healthy relationship.

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One woman came to me distraught over her most recent break up. She was in her late forties, smart, beautiful, and successful. She owned her own home, had a vibrant community of friends, was a volunteer at her local church; she had a full and wonderful life, except she had not found "her guy."  My client was at her wit's end when she came in, heartbroken, and preparing to have a baby on her own, while she still could. 

In our work together, my client was able to unravel the negative messaging she had internalized from her childhood that undermined her choices in men. She had a habit of choosing men who were emotionally unavailable, who would ultimately break up with her, leaving my client feeling abandoned, rejected, and in a state of self doubt. 

We traced these feelings and negative beliefs back to her childhood. When she was five, her father left. Her parents divorced. Her child-self internalized this experience of loss as rejection, and evidence that she was somehow not "ok."  Meeting the simple truth of her childhood loss with awareness and compassion, grieving for what has passed, and challenging the mind's negative narrative freed my client to make better choices. 

She recognized that unavailable men usually got her juices flowing. In reality these unavailable men were lighting up an old pattern of relationship based on wounding and self forgetting. My client had to adjust her palette, and acquire an appreciation and desire for a man who was available.  In no time at all, she magnetized two men, "the player" and "the nice guy." Given the opportunity to see her conditioned habit, she chose to do something differently. She dated the man who was not only was smart, successful, and caring, but  emotionally available. Today, they are happily married, with two beautiful children.

In her despair, my client seized the opportunity to seek help, to develop self awareness, turn towards her fears and negative beliefs and to reclaim her happiness.  

 

 

 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Kyle Corsiglia

Counselor/Therapist

I am committed to helping individuals, and couples get the education and skills they need, early on, in order to succeed in their relationships. I firmly believe in the benefits of pre-marital counseling/education. While "love is in bloom," is the perfect time for couples to plant the seeds of knowledge and practice, that will grow, allowing them to enjoy the fruits of a happy and healthy marriage. 

Kyle Corsiglia, MFT

www.kylecorsiglia.com

Location: San Francisco, CA
Credentials: LMFT
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
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