The Problem with Online Dating and Love Coaching

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The Problem with Online Dating and Love Coaching
It's not the process or the people but a matter of logistics

Dating coaching may be helpful for some but for it to be truly effective, the person needs to practice what they are learning. If a dating coach partnered with a matchmaker who sources dates like an executive recruiter, then the person is set up to break through their inner and outer stumbling blocks to love.

Another thing that I will also say is that some people have been deeply wounded in their bonding through abuse and neglect and very hurtful early rejection that was repetitive. These people may have unprocessed trauma that is best dealt with using a method like EMDR. EMDR is a trauma therapy often used to help those suffering from PTSD. The reason I mention this as well is that such people, while highly motivated and desiring of a true love, are likely to resist love with equal intensity. Unless a dating coach can perform EMDR to remove this resistance, it's a waste of time and money. Most of the EMDR therapists I have met are licensed psychotherapists, which cost as much as a typical dating or love coach.

In a March 2012 Harper's Bazaar article by Alix Strauss, the author shared how EMDR helped her heal from the pain of a painful breakup. For anyone interested in finding love again after a divorce or end to a long-term relationship that was hurtful, EMDR may be something to look into. Men and women handle the end of a love union differently but both can carry the pain for too long to be available for a new love should they show up one day.

The loss of love is a form of trauma because it is the destruction of a primal bond. Mothers and infants have a powerful bond. So do spouses and other significant others. Divorce is like an emotional death. Sometimes it is a gradual and mutual decision. Other times one spouse is blindsided by the other. My ex-fiance was abandoned suddenly by his ex-wife. She just moved her things out of their home one day and had him served with divorce papers.

After undergoing a custody battle for their toddler son at the time, his divorce was final, but he was emotionally destroyed by the experience. By the time I came around two years later, his unresolved grief and anger persisted into our relationship, so much so that I reluctantly ended our engagement and moved out West for good.

Needless to say, I too was left devastated even though I ended things, and needed EMDR myself. For two years I dealt with his constant comparisons between me and his former spouse. She was always the elephant in the room no matter where she physically was. I simply felt I had no choice but to extract myself from being more of his social worker/therapist than significant other. He also refused to get professional help for his anger towards his son's mother. As a direct result I left him because I was a container for his feelings and developing hypertension while he admitted that he wanted to stay mad at her.

I have come to think that dating coaches who don't partner with matchmakers are not 100% in the game of finding love for their clients. Some may actually want clients to stay single so they will keep paying them. Ditto for online dating sites.

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