Johnny Rotten and The Sex Pistols were right and so was Anka
Johnny Rotten said those famous last words at the final concert of The Sex Pistols in San Francisco circa 1978. Today, as Anka took a walk along the Embarcadero and enjoyed the view from the Bay she said the same thing. Yes, she feels utterly cheated. A year ago Anka experienced what was akin to a mental mind warp and as the one aniversary of the event looms, she is sick with grief.
People say don't try too hard. Others say that one must make an effort. The whole thing is confusing. Certainly there are different answers for people but personally, Anka is spent. Between the money, time, and investment put into healing, growing, and getting out of her own way .... she has hit a wall. Love should not have to be so hard. What is wrong with me ... seriously? That is what Anka is thinking. It's a Catch-22. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. When she exerts effort she fails. When she doesn't she fails. Then comes the inevitable flurry of contradictory advice. Love never came when she was looking nor when she was not looking for it.
Last year, after working Kathryn Alice's program and attempting to get into her own body to be more attractive to herself and men on the dating scene with Annette Gates, Anka's sincere efforts generated a form of psychological violation. Since she told myself that it was no big deal the delayed and gradual reaction to what happened came slowly but eventually the full gamut of the hurt has risen to the surface. She takes the term "mental assault" from a Star Trek episode where a man accesses people's dreams to terrify them. Finding someone's writings that reveal their thoughts and using them for certain purposes somewhat works the same way with the psyche.
Quite frankly, she is sick and tired of being hurt over an event from a year ago. No one is more fed up at her than herself. It's crazy to still be upset. Basically what happened is that Ana met a man who was a hacker and able to access her personal information and digital footprint. Long story short, he used the research he did on her to construct a psychological profile of Anka, and because he knew from her writings about the man Anka always had in mind, he made sure to use all that information to present himself as her ideal person when they were interacting.
This man could talk to Anka about her favorite books, films etc. At first she thought he was psychic but it turned out he was not because his hacking skills gave him inside access to everything about her. The fact is, it worked, Anka fell for him. Then he pushed her away days later by telling her by text that he just wanted to be friends. He had been seeing someone the whole time they had been talking and it was getting serious so he was going to pursue that instead. Nothing happened between them other than getting to know one another. Anka never crossed physical boundaries but she is left feeling like he crossed psychological boundaries with her.
His behavior, which was to present himself as her ideal man as if he had read her private diaries, had Anka thinking he wanted to know her more. Anka's male friends are just as confused as her because they would never have done what he did if all they wanted was a friendship. She was clear what she was looking for with him. So she can't see how he could have been confused by her. Because Anka loves a mystery she has thought about this more than she should. In all honesty, Anka is convinced this is excessive thinking and figuring out bordering on the pathological. There is nothing now to figure out. Not worth it. Solving the puzzle won't bring her peace. For the record, it's not about forgiveness. Anka is not angry at this man. What she is, is deeply hurt, as if she was used as emotional target practice for no reason.
While her guy friends also agree that they would be confused, the fact is, they are more objective. Anka is the one who fell for him and it has cost her more tears that she cares to admit. Not only is Anka embarrassed and ashamed that she still has not forgotten or let this go but she is about to subject herself to trauma therapy with EMDR and hypnosis to have the event erased from her memory.
The whole thing was strange. What kind of man does such a deep background check on a woman before a date, use his inside knowledge to impress her, and then push her away? Anka wasn't contacting him or being too eager. In fact, she was seeing this Swedish guy at the same time that was casual. In those four days between the date and text, Anka had been with her Swedish guy and not in touch with the hacker. The Swedish guy and Anka were more friends and he wasn't using mind bending tactics on her.
Anyway, now Anka thinks that the only way to no longer be wondering what happened is to erase him from her memory.Either way, it's caused her with her love of mysteries to think about it to the point of staying sad and confused. Anka wants to forget him las if they never met and because she is sensitive and have allowed herself to be more bothered by it than the average person. Other than having hypnosis to erase her memories of him, and continue to build self-love (something she has done for almost a whole year on a regular basis), what else can Anka do to be rid of him in her memory? The answers are still being sought.
The reason she became a student of all things related to love and relationships is because of this bad dating experience last year. He put more effort into dealing with her than the average guy. His manipulation and deception was brilliant but it left Anka spooked. She has dated since then but the experience has left her more disturbed than she used to be. Part of Anka blames herself for why he didn't like her for real. Hence, all the love and dating workshops that she took to be receptive to someone who is genuine. Unfortunatley, none of it worked. She benefited from all thatshe did but everything came crashing down for her emotionally the last few weeks for some unknown reason. Not only has she been crying alot but is no longer interested in a relationship. Her sense of trust just isn't there yet and probably will never be now.
Anka's heart is broken and its repaired but fractured and hiding behind a Berlin Wall of protection. She has now decided to redirect her energies towards becoming a Single Mother By Choice. Yes, time for sperm donation. Then she is moving to Santa Barbara.