Johnny Rotten said those famous last words at the final concert of The Sex Pistols in San Francisco circa 1978. Today, as Anka took a walk along the Embarcadero and enjoyed the view from the Bay she said the same thing. Yes, she feels utterly cheated. A year ago Anka experienced what was akin to a mental mind warp and as the one aniversary of the event looms, she is sick with grief.
People say don't try too hard. Others say that one must make an effort. The whole thing is confusing. Certainly there are different answers for people but personally, Anka is spent. Between the money, time, and investment put into healing, growing, and getting out of her own way .... she has hit a wall. Love should not have to be so hard. What is wrong with me ... seriously? That is what Anka is thinking. It's a Catch-22. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. When she exerts effort she fails. When she doesn't she fails. Then comes the inevitable flurry of contradictory advice. Love never came when she was looking nor when she was not looking for it.
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Last year, after working Kathryn Alice's program and attempting to get into her own body to be more attractive to herself and men on the dating scene with Annette Gates, Anka's sincere efforts generated a form of psychological violation. Since she told myself that it was no big deal the delayed and gradual reaction to what happened came slowly but eventually the full gamut of the hurt has risen to the surface. She takes the term "mental assault" from a Star Trek episode where a man accesses people's dreams to terrify them. Finding someone's writings that reveal their thoughts and using them for certain purposes somewhat works the same way with the psyche.
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Quite frankly, she is sick and tired of being hurt over an event from a year ago. No one is more fed up at her than herself. It's crazy to still be upset. Basically what happened is that Ana met a man who was a hacker and able to access her personal information and digital footprint. Long story short, he used the research he did on her to construct a psychological profile of Anka, and because he knew from her writings about the man Anka always had in mind, he made sure to use all that information to present himself as her ideal person when they were interacting.
This man could talk to Anka about her favorite books, films etc. At first she thought he was psychic but it turned out he was not because his hacking skills gave him inside access to everything about her. The fact is, it worked, Anka fell for him. Then he pushed her away days later by telling her by text that he just wanted to be friends. He had been seeing someone the whole time they had been talking and it was getting serious so he was going to pursue that instead. Nothing happened between them other than getting to know one another. Anka never crossed physical boundaries but she is left feeling like he crossed psychological boundaries with her.