After all was said and done, it all suddenly came to this
The last few days I've been soul searching. My time was spent meditating, listening to uplifting audiobooks, and reflecting on exercises that have come from many a love coach. In the last year, what began as a commitment in action to turning myself and my love life inside out quickly evolved to a steady diet of love workshops, dating tips, and healing whatever was in the way of love. As with anything I do, I go into a method 100%.
Before, last year, I had been diligently doing Kathryn Alice's program, which resulted in a heartbreak. So I picked myself up, and started again. Learning from experience, I decided that whatever was blocking love from happening was within me. To get out of my own way started with BodyTalk which evolved into soul healing journey with Heather Strang for which I am grateful. Then came Matthew Hussey with his Get the Guy program, It did wonders for my perspective and improving my overall interpersonal skills.
Afterwards, I enrolled in Debi Berndt's Engaged in a Year program and it too, had a profound effect, because my shadow self got discovered and eliminated from my dating life. Gradually, my perseverance lead me to love mentor Tamara Green whose kindness has brought me to bliss and seeing how much that state of being is essential to cultivate in my life, right here and right now. Devi Ward became my Tantra Yoga teacher so I could get more connected with my body and therefore, more comfortable in my own skin. And most of all, the lovely Anni Powers showed up. She has been a major champion for love for me and for everyone. More matchmakers like her are a must in this modern life of ours. There are countless others who have shown up in my life this past year for whom I'm so blessed to have met.
Along the way, I showed the Universe I was serious and not putting all my eggs in one basket. Having a matchmaker is not a license to be lazy. I continued on with self-love practices like taking myself to the spa and other self-respecting activities. In between making self-growth a priority I made sure to cast a wide net of romantic prospects. One thing was clear to me from the get go: balance. Too much pushing or too little effort wouldn't support attracting love. While I made a point to enjoy the now I did have my online profile made over and got better pictures for Match.com and eHarmony. Since both dating sites were paid and not free I figured the odds were higher that I'd find more serious people.
Perhaps it is just a sign of our times. According to Match.com my profile was viewed over 1000 times in two months but generated hardly any responses. Those messages I did get were mostly from men who lived in another state or were 20 years older than I. Not a match! I made sure to use the reverse match feature to only message people looking for someone who fit my description. Every message I sent was carefully crafted to not look like a generic greeting. I read the person's profile and wrote them a message that reflected that. After all, who wants to get an email with a form letter tone to it? Despite it all, not one person wrote me back. Usually I sent about five emails on Match.com a day and at least one every other day on eHarmony. The result was one coffee date with a man who seemed like he was on some chore he didn't want to be on. He was the one who initiated the date, not I, so that was confusing.
Offline my efforts were similar to networking. I went to events that interested me rather than just go to mixers thinking I'd meet someone. Made a few new friends but friends aren't lovers. So, after a year of putting myself out there and confronting whatever was making me be in my own way, I quit. I deleted all my online dating accounts and unsubscribed to all the dating e-newsletters in my inbox. It's not that I'm burnt out. I simply no longer have the will to continue. In all honesty, my life is such that I feel I have nothing to offer or add to someone of quality. When I take a good harsh look at where I am in my life, I can't see how a man would want to join me in it. My life is good but in my eyes, it has a way to go to be great.
When I was rejected last year, I embarked on this journey to become an expert on relationships because I felt that something was wrong with me since he rejected me. I had been rejected before but for some reason, that one hurt deeply. A number of factors were at play. These include fatigue, dating burnout, lack of game, need for better self-esteem, etc. Bottom line, I don't want a relationship anymore or to meet anyone for a romantic partnership.
Love is easy. Love flows. So many people I know who are happy didn't do half of the things I did to optimize my chances. The fact is, I shouldn't have had to. Many happy couples have said to me that they met one another, mutually both knew, and the rest was history. Simple. The last guy was the last man I'll ever feel loving feelings for. After all this, I just don't want to fall in love or be with someone romantically again after all. I am consciously choosing to be alone.
I fought the truth for a long time now. Romantic love was never meant to be for me. Perhaps I knew it all along and thought I could exercise choice in the matter. Nope. All my efforts reaped nothing. Rather than fight fate it is time to accept it. Maybe motherhood on my own was always the best option for me and now I am going to find out. While I will continue to profile the best resources in the world of romance I will no longer be a consumer of it. Fate dealt me a cruel blow in the true love department. Hopefully, it will be kinder on the motherhood front.