How EFT practitioner Alina Frank devised a program to find the answer for you
EFT practitioner Alina Frank used her knowledge and expertise in EFT to create a program on coming to a decision on whether to stay or go. In the following Q&A she explains how it works to aid in making a critical decision on ending a relationship.
What are the 5 lessons in this course?
All the lessons in the When To End It, When Stay online course are designed to take one from the personal to the problems that are more global and universal. There is a focus on working through childhood issues that effect romantic relationships. Another that focuses on what's happening currently in the relationship you are in and the early signs of trouble. It's all based on the work we've done with ourselves as well with thousands of clients. A marriage and family therapist who saw the unveiling of the model we use at a conference came up to us at the end and said she'd never seen anything that capture conflict in a relationship quite as well as we did in that model.
How does EFT help in decision making if someone is choosing whether to leave a relationship or not?
EFT (also known as the tapping technique) access the subconscious mind and allows one to find the many connections and associations that have led to both patterns of dysfunction in relationship as well as why we attract a certain type of person as a partner to begin with. Once that's discovered and resolved through the When To End It, When To Stay course then the decision becomes very clear. Leaving a relationship should never be about fleeing but about going towards a better life. Staying in a relationship should never be about maintaining status quo and not upsetting the apple cart as it were. Neither will produces, attract, or promote a blissful life for either person involved.
What kind of homework assignments are included in the course?
The homework assignments are based on the tapping. We clearly explain EFT tapping and guide you through the process of releasing the blocks that you are instructed to find in each lesson. It also helps with keeping you motivated and accountable after all this is a self-help course.
How did you design the material and contents for the course with the intention of helping a person make the right choice for them?
The way we went about designing the program came from both our personal and professional backgrounds. Both Craig and I were in relationships for nearly 20 years that weren't optimal for us. We were stuck is dysfunctional spin cycles with those other people and if we had the information we share in this course we could have made the decision to leave sooner. Our pain and anguish has served the world well though because we both now help others with this process and feel we know all to well the confusion that's present.
In your opinion, what decision drivers lead a person to choose to stay?
The decision to stay is clear once you work through your own issues and can observe the relationship from a neutral places without all the layers of hurt and pain. A few things happen that make the answer obvious, one is that your partner will likely change. If the love is still there underneath it all then the decision to stay is the path.
Alternatively, what decision drivers lead a person to choose to leave?
The decision to leave becomes clear again when you have released all the layers of pain and hurt when you work on your own issues but there's often the additional filter of fear that needs to be addressed. Every relationship is meant to last for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Tapping and releasing your fears about ending a relationship that has really run it's course will allow you to see and feel that it was helpful in your life's journey to be with that other person but that the stagnation needs to end for you to grow even more.
For the people who choose to stay, what changes need to be done so that both partners experience an improvement in the relationship?
There are lots of changes that need to happen for a person to stay but the biggest one is not to expect the other person to change and heal what is in you first.
And for the people who choose to stay, what lessons can they bring into the next relationship so they don't repeat the pattern? Why did the unhappy unions come together in the first place?
When someone ends the relationship it is imperative to take the time to heal and tap on the roots of those dysfunctional patterns so that they do not repeat themselves.
What have you learned are the major causes of break-ups or divorces in long-term relationships that are irreconcilable?
I've been at this for a long time and quite honestly the #1 reason why marriages and relationships fail is because people aren't taught that their upbringing has a profound impression on who they pick as a partner as well as how they themselves will be inside a romantic relationship. If that was taught (which we do with our single clients) then people would be uber selective and heal themselves a bit first.
How can people best prepare themselves using an EFT as their practice to (A) choose the right partner for a healthy long-term mutually satisfying relationship, and (B) cultivate the skills in communications, conflict resolution, etc to sustain a happy union? Do you have examples of pairings that come together with great intensity and excitement that have a high probability of ending up in divorce? What drew them together in the first place and whom would have been a better option if they had known better at the time.
Yes, people can prepare by using EFT effectively (not on a Youtube video as those are rather ineffective) on past events in their lives and that will both contribute to them finding the right person and communicate well. When they don't then they are likely to be in reactive mode and when that happens communication is always off because it's automatic. The very idea that most couples's trainings/retreats use with communication skills is comical to me! I say this, when you say that is impossible when we are in flight, freeze, or flea response. Getting rid of the real triggers at their original source will make communication effortless.
The only examples I have of pairings that came together with great intensity and excitement which led to break up later (when we get to work with them) are those that were really in lust not in love the way we define it- all the more reason to be very very selective up front before a chemical bond happens (having sex). When this happens it's usually karma that's at work. Here's a scenario: you meet someone in a book store and he's reading your favorite novel. He's very cute and within minutes you realize you have a lot in common. There are many coincidences and you after a few dates you think that he might be the one. At this point if you don't do further detective work and sleep with him you are screwed! (Pun intended). That pull and draw could mean that you need to work out some karmic debt. I see this all the time with clients that come to me wondering what went wrong after they were left. All the drama could have been worked out by having this person as a friend and the investigative work could have shown you up front that this relationship was meant to be platonic. (For the record, I (Jackie) personally do not believe that men and women can and should be friends as it ruins polarity unless the relationship is a sibling type of bond from the very start)
For more on Alina Frank, visit her website at: www.alinafrank.com