How my love mentor Tamara Green helped my right brain see how perfect it was
When I joined Tamara Green's group love coaching series I knew that it was time to face the residual factors that were in the way of love for me. For a long time it felt like I had a Berlin Wall in my heart that kept the old stuff but left the new good stuff out. Committed to removing all the barriers within me to love I picked up the book Love in 90 Days by Dr. Diana Kirschner and decided to immerse myself utterly in her method. Tamara came to my attention because she was a love mentor trained by Dr. Kirschner. Despite my lack of love results from the lazy method of Religious Science practitioner Kathryn Alice, I was willing to try again.
Then I hit the wall a week later. Every time I watched the news it would happen. Certain stories would remind me of him. Inevitably I'd start to wonder how he was and most poignantly, would hope he was OK. Was I crazy? I'm smart and old enough to know the stupidity of caring for someone who didn't give a damn about me. Yet here I was being a fool.
So I asked Tamara, why am I doing this? How can I redirect this care and concern to another who reciprocates? Her response was to ask myself, what is right about this that I am not seeing. Then she said not to answer it but intend that my intuitive side would eventually show me the right answer.
One week later the answer dawned on me while doing yoga. My intuition said to me that he was not what my soul needed. Oddly enough, someone else had made that comment to me a month earlier when I was in tears over something else. For some reason, I just didn't hear it fully. As I was doing an asana and deep breathing the thought ran through my mind that gave me an A-HA moment. My inner wisdom said that had a love relationship with him started it would have stunted both our soul growths. I would have missed out on the inner clearing that my soul and psyche urgently needed by working with healers like Tamara Green, Heather Strang, Debi Berndt, et al. I breathed out a sigh of relief and a sense of satisfaction that I had my own right answer. Everything that happened was in divine order for my highest good and everyone else.
Last year I had a "love at first sight" experience over a man who was everything I had always wanted. Still is. But I was in a place with my relationship with self that had he not rejected me in favor of another, it would have been awful. There was alot of stuff in me that I had to heal, release, etc. Old dragons of resentment, having a chip on my shoulder, and ego-driven insecurities specific to love and men would have been a recipe for a toxic type of dynamic. I would have constantly made this man prove to me that he really did choose me, if he had, and driven both of us to exhaustion.
Then I found Gabrielle Bernstein's book May Cause Miracles and other self-love tools. These resources supported the changing of patterns that needed to happen. So how else was he not what my soul needed at the time? During this year of cultivating self-love, I also saw how much relationships were a mirror of me. In my fear of intimacy and closeness, I would run away from getting really vulnerable. Ironically, this man made me feel safe right away, but there was an element of wanting to run from him too. Paradoxically, it was easier to handle having a boyfriend whom I didn't get that safe and relaxed feeling with because my guard would stay up.
As I dated others and concentrated on clearing out old non-supportive beliefs over the past year, I was able to replace them with new ones that were supportive. So here I am, a year later, utterly clear that a relationship with him would have been a detour from where God needed me to be. My soul knew better. I just finally accepted it. To attain my wish of a true and real lifelong love I needed to create a healthy relationship with myself first. That way, I would attract and sustain a healthy loving partnership with the right man, whomever that may be.