Dear George Clooney,
I had such high hopes for you to finally stop being such a playboy and settle down. I always felt you were a good egg: so intelligent, so philanthropic. I will even admit that years ago, I made a fake profile for our "wedding" on TheKnot.com. I lost interest after a few minutes, but still. And now, after ending your two-year relationship with Stacy Keibler, I find out that you were secretly chasing Eva Longoria? Unsurprising, I must say.
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A source recently told Us Weekly that you unsuccessfully tried to get into Eva Longoria's pencil skirt while still dating Stacy. What happened, Clooney? Why do you always want what you can't have? And there's "evidence": All those photos of Eva pretending to laugh at your jokes at the Critics' Choice Awards back in January, and you two hanging out at Soho House in Berlin this past March.
The insider says you didn't hook up after the Soho House event, but that afterward, you "began pursuing Eva" (I'd say it was before that, given the CCA pics). "He told her that he was still with Stacy, but had plans to break up with her and was interested in being with Eva," said the source. When the divorced Eva rebuffed you, you kept going with "texts and calls" even though "Eva made it clear to him that she would not date or be with him until he was completely single." Snaps for that. But of course, we all know how you testosterone-driven macho men work: The more she rejects you, the more you pursue her. I have an inkling that Eva was banking on just that.
And then Eva threw you a curve ball and wisely got into a relationship with someone else: former Ready for Love coworker Ernesto Arguello. The all-knowing source told Us Weekly that Eva is "very happy with him" and that "George and Eva never hooked up."
I've got an eye on you, George. At least age-wise, Eva would be a step in the right direction (38 to Stacy's 33). You do know you're 52, right, George? Although, knowing you, this The Onion-like article pretty correctly predicts your future love interests: Miley Cyrus, then Suri Cruise, then North West. After all, you're the cyborg playboy who will outlive us all—and there's not much we can do about it except write snarky Internet letters. Keep on keepin' on.
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