Being rejected as a woman for the last time, the choice was clear, become a Tantrika
Kaja had always been known for her sensitivity. It wasn't too obvious but only a few moments of conversation with her revealed it. From the tender heart recollections of a miscarriage in her mid-20's, an extended chastity into adulthood, the overwork and overwhelm of taking every adult responsibility before she was a legal adult except the rite of passage most of her peers had.
She never had a prom date, her childhood friend took her, because his girlfriend was so worried Kaja wouldn't go at all. There were no dates in High School or College. Early in her career she had the typical life of a young urban professional except in one way. Just as before, she saw her friends have romantic trips, move in with their significant others, receive flowers on their birthdays, and eventually have a rite of passage into partnerships.
No one believed her that she had always been so single and well, un-touched. By the time she hit the quarter century mark things got a little better. A chance meeting with a native New Yorker changed her life suddenly. But she had been so used to being the one who was by herself that as much he was loving it struck a fear chord. Kaja began to push away because she had no idea how to handle the sudden infusion of intimate masculine energy in her life.
Like an anorexic who is starved for food yet purges it out of their body, Kaja did the same with love. Simply put, it was such a threat to her identity that she left him suddenly and eventually he stopped trying to reconnect. A year later there was someone new. He made more sense. Kaja loved the man from New York. This one, who was born and raised in Chicago as she was, was much easier to deal with. She didn't love him that deeply or at all really. So he was safe. His masculine energy was buffered from penetrating her aura because they weren't in any way a soul connection.
Their relationship was comfortable. No pushing for a commitment. She didn't even care that he flirted with other women. Quite simply, he satisfied companionship needs but didn't pose a threat to her identity. The man from New York was a soul love. The man from Chicago was a lover. Big difference.
Kaja never had the romantic weekends, flowers or the trips, or the soul love with Chicago man that could light a person's entire being on fire. He couldn't break open her heart. He could never hurt her. Even when she got pregnant 18 months later it never dawned on Kaja to tell him. By then he was in London for a three month assignment working in international finance. They were still together but Kaja's fear was that he would propose if she told him. Somehow she suspects that this ultimate rejection of the idea of him wanting to get married caused her so much stress that she miscarried three weeks later.
Eventually Kaja and her Chicago lover parted ways. He decided to stay in London. He had met someone else and they settled in Chelsea. Kaja moved on as well. She embraced a Sex and the City dating life for the next three years and then moved to the West Coast. Along the way she turned 30 and stumbled upon a Tantra Workshop in New York that started stirring up her discomfort with masculine energy.
What emerged in her first brush with the Tantric path was that the years she spent as an adolescent had locked up her feminine energy. So much so she had a hard time receiving a man or being receptive to life in general. Those early years were fraught with rejection and stored as an emotional trauma in her body around her sense of being female and accepting of men showing romantic interest. Even though her dating life since her New York love showed no evidence that Kaja had an internal barrier to connection with the opposite gender, she did.
After that Tantric weekend in New York, Kaja left for California, and never delved into it again. She wasn't ready to dance with the masculine. Her identity was too threatened and shortly after arriving in Los Angeles, she developed a serious illness that wiped out her desire for a man at all. Once again, Kaja didn't date, because her illness wrecked havoc on her looks. Three years later she did recover. Being sick was her first wakeup call.
She went back into the dating realm. Got a makeover. Met lots of people. She even had a summer romance in 2012 with a man from Florida. Six weeks after Florida man returned to Miami, Kaja got hit with the very thing she needed next. For years she thought that the somatic feelings her New York love evoked was just her youth or the bliss of inexperience. She was wrong.
A surprise blind date showed up to remind her that how her entire being naturally responded to her old love from years ago, had nothing to do with conditions. How? It happened again. While she had the bravado of Carrie Bradshaw by now, this time there was no union. This new man, California guy she likes to call him, who startled Kaja with the effect of his presence, didn't come towards her. His actions were the polar opposite of her New York love. He shoved her as far from him as possible. Not literally but energetically with his words and actions.
On no uncertain terms, this man was clearly telling her, she did nothing for him. Perhaps it was a second wake up call that was long needed. Kaja had been in a sensual slumber for years. It was confusing to have masculine energy have that effect again. An effect she had forgotten. Yet here it was again but it was his turn, not hers, to push away and reject. The California man's response to Kaja was a reminder of old wounds around rejection. A rejection from adolescence with its core message that men would never accept her as a woman. A woman who had the kind of feminine energy that the masculine consumes in a Tantric dance.
The boys growing up practically told Kaja that she affected them as if they were eunuchs. But the other girls, especially certain ones, were walking aphrodisiacs. Kaja's identity was being the invisible one. She felt the years of that pain all rise up at once but this time, she choose to go with the desire, rather than deny it like the celibates. Kaja would not numb herself. She would awaken herself.
When the student is ready the teacher appears. Kaja cried out all the tears of feeling rejected as a woman, of rejecting her own femininity, but no thoughts of joining a convent entered her mind. Serendipity stepped in a month later when a friend of hers forwarded a newsletter to Kaja via facebook. It was written by a Tantra teacher named Devi Ward on the East Coast. Ward taught Tibetan Tantra and was able to teach the practices virtually via Skype. As soon as she read the email Kaja knew what healing remedy she needed and wanted to do. Her intuition compelled her to respond. The path was clear. She would become a Tantrika and integrate her femininity back into her whole being.