How Being Shoved To The Wall Started A Tantric Path

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How Being Shoved To The Wall Started A Tantric Path
Being rejected as a woman for the last time, the choice was clear, become a Tantrika

Kaja had always been known for her sensitivity. It wasn't too obvious but only a few moments of conversation with her revealed it. From the tender heart recollections of a miscarriage in her mid-20's, an extended chastity into adulthood, the overwork and overwhelm of taking every adult responsibility before she was a legal adult except the rite of passage most of her peers had.

She never had a prom date, her childhood friend took her, because his girlfriend was so worried Kaja wouldn't go at all. There were no dates in High School or College. Early in her career she had the typical life of a young urban professional except in one way. Just as before, she saw her friends have romantic trips, move in with their significant others, receive flowers on their birthdays, and eventually have a rite of passage into partnerships.

 

No one believed her that she had always been so single and well, un-touched. By the time she hit the quarter century mark things got a little better. A chance meeting with a native New Yorker changed her life suddenly. But she had been so used to being the one who was by herself that as much he was loving it struck a fear chord. Kaja began to push away because she had no idea how to handle the sudden infusion of intimate masculine energy in her life.

Like an anorexic who is starved for food yet purges it out of their body, Kaja did the same with love. Simply put, it was such a threat to her identity that she left him suddenly and eventually he stopped trying to reconnect. A year later there was someone new. He made more sense. Kaja loved the man from New York. This one, who was born and raised in Chicago as she was, was much easier to deal with. She didn't love him that deeply or at all really. So he was safe. His masculine energy was buffered from penetrating her aura because they weren't in any way a soul connection.

Their relationship was comfortable. No pushing for a commitment. She didn't even care that he flirted with other women. Quite simply, he satisfied companionship needs but didn't pose a threat to her identity. The man from New York was a soul love. The man from Chicago was a lover. Big difference.

Kaja never had the romantic weekends, flowers or the trips, or the soul love with Chicago man that could light a person's entire being on fire. He couldn't break open her heart. He could never hurt her. Even when she got pregnant 18 months later it never dawned on Kaja to tell him. By then he was in London for a three month assignment working in international finance. They were still together but Kaja's fear was that he would propose if she told him. Somehow she suspects that this ultimate rejection of the idea of him wanting to get married caused her so much stress that she miscarried three weeks later.

Eventually Kaja and her Chicago lover parted ways. He decided to stay in London. He had met someone else and they settled in Chelsea. Kaja moved on as well. She embraced a Sex and the City dating life for the next three years and then moved to the West Coast. Along the way she turned 30 and stumbled upon a Tantra Workshop in New York that started stirring up her discomfort with masculine energy.