Sure, we don't turn down our friend when she suggests going to see the latest Nicholas Sparks film adaptation. (Um, hello, major eye candy!) But as we're downing our Sour Patch Kids and Diet Coke, we're also rolling our eyes and contemplating giving the movie the middle finger.
It's like we've seen the same movie 10 times over! Passionate kiss in the rain? Ick. Romantic boat rides? Ugh. Fate stepping in? Vomit.
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You think you know everything about love, Sparks? We're here to tell you that you don't—and we've had to learn that from real-life experience and heartache.
We're done playing your fool. Just look at all these lies you've told us over the years!
Lie: Falling in love only happens at the beach.
Don't waste your time working on your tan or playing around in the water. You should be scouring that beach—your first husband is there somewhere!
Lie: If he dances with you in the middle of the street at night, on balconies, or in abandoned grocery stores, you two were totally meant to be.
You're not crazy. We don’t hear any music either …
Lie: If the object of your affection takes you out on a boat, you should know he's the one.
And if a storm happens to come along during said boat ride, well, you've got a story for the grandkids!
Lie: Love only exists for those who live on the East Coast or in the South.
Sorry, West Coasters. No love for you!
Lie: Everything that needs to be said can be communicated with one single look.
What, you don't speak this language either?
Lie: Even if you don't hear from him for more than 5 years after you broke up, you can be 100 percent sure he hasn't moved on and that he's doing everything he can to win you back—including building you a house.
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Lie: Letters are the key to your chastity belt, er, heart.
Because sexting and penis pictures just don't exist in the Sparks world.
Lie: When he gets into a fist fight, it's OK. He's just showing you how much he cares … not that he has any anger issues at all.
Violence is, like, totally sexy.
Lie: Finding the owner of trash you found on the beach will lead you to your soul mate.
Start finding the owners of the Corona bottles littered in the sand and you’ll find true love—and maybe a disease.
Lie: All it takes to solve all your problems is that one perfect kiss.
It could happen at any moment. Best be poppin' those breath mints!
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