• Stop Crying!
• Stop Acting Like A Baby
• Stop Acting Like A Girl
• Suck It Up, You’re Okay
• I Don’t Want To See Those Tears
• Stop Being Such A Wimp
And my all time Favorite: You Want Something To Cry About-- I’ll Give You Something To Cry About
These are the messages most men get when they are growing up; these are unhealthy messages about what and how to be a man.
Welcome to the socialization of men.
I am in the same boat as you, and I’m here to say that by no means is this offered up as an excuse for our present lack of empathy.
Early on we begin to get the message to suppress any feelings that are deemed weak, such as feelings of
What do these get replaced with?
• Be Tough!
• Be Strong!
• Don’t Take Any Shit From Anyone
• Perform, Perform, Perform……….
Oh, and if you got angry, you probably had good reason to be. Anger is okay for men.
But, most importantly: if a woman gets angry, she’s a bitch.
Another component that also gets introduced early on is the process of sexually objectifying women when we are very young.
We are told what kind of women we should be attracted to and desire.
And you better perform here as well. You better make sure the women experience vaginally penetrated orgasm. “Mission accomplished”, when you have performed.
If you perform, if you succeed, if you solve the problem, you get a huge “attta boy!”. Our self-esteem as men gets attached to performance. Which leads us to a constant fix-it / perform / solve-the-problem mentality. So when we experience problems in our relationships, or our partner comes to us with a concern, we immediately fall into ‘here’s how we fix-it’ mode..
News Flash: A woman doesn’t want you to fix the problem. She just wants to be heard in an empathetic way. In order to hear her from an empathetic way, YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. THAT’S WHERE EMPATHY COMES FROM.
When we can’t or don’t know how we feel, we can’t be there to listen to our woman, to really hear her.
The Good News: Your Feelings Never Went Away. You Can Get Back In Touch With Them.
Yes, you can get back in touch with your feelings. If any of you are gagging right now on the feelings word, or thinking to yourself that that talking, asking, or demonstrating your feelings makes you a wimp, emasculates you, and makes you like a woman, good luck with any relationship you’re in.
Our screwed up socialization has made us out of balance with our closest relationships. When you can’t be in relationship with the whole package (having feelings, having empathy, as well as being Rational and having intellect), you are out of balance. It’s like always having one arm tied behind your back inyour interactions, be it with women children or other men.
I say let’ s commit ourselves to getting balanced.