- Step One: Total Ownership Of The Infidelity Companion
- Addendum: No Apologies
- Step Two: Be Sincere, Show Empathy For Your Partner Companion
- Addendum: How Men Get Disconnected From Their Feelings or The Socialization Of Men
Screwed Up By Screwing Around? Gentlemen, Please Take Notes…..
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“What Do I Do Now?”
If you’re reading this, then you are probably in this following situation:
You got caught screwing around in your relationship, the shit has hit the fan, and you’re scared shitless because you want to salvage the relationship and you don’t know if you can. She’s hurt and angry, and you don’t know what to do.
Sound familiar? Keep reading……
Here are Ten Steps to heal the relationship and rebuild trust with your partner. For explanation purposes I will be using a hypothetical male/female characters called Mike and Jessica. (Note the ten steps apply to women as well.)
Step One - Take Total Ownership Of The Infidelity
First thing, Mike (you) must take full responsibility for the infidelity. There will be no apologies, no pleading, no promises of, “I’ll never do this again”, and no explanations. (We’ll explain this later).
More on: No Apologies - See Addendum
All that Mike wants to say to Jessica (be it explaining, apologizing, pleading) will not register with Jessica and the same is true for you. Jessica (as is your partner) is in shock, is hurt, and feels betrayed. She is emotionally devastated.
News flash: an infidelity is a huge trust violation and Mike (you) must take total responsibility for what has happened if they as a couple are to heal.
Addendum - Why Apologies Don’t Work
In working with many clients over the years, I discovered an inevitable truth:
Apologies are way overused and don’t really help you get out of the situation
We apologize way too much: We do it because it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to step up and take ownership; we do it to get our partner off our back. We do it because we believe that by saying, “I’m sorry”, it lets us off the hook and we are free to do it again and again and again – all we have to do is say we are sorry.
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News flash: your partner doesn’t want to hear your apology. S/he wants you to take ownership of what you are doing and stop doing it.
Does this mean you should never apologize? What do you think?
Yes, there are times where an apology is appropriate because it is an integral part of the healing process through words or action or both.
What does a “REAL” apology consist of? What do people really want when there has been some transgression either through words or actions?
The offended party wants the following: