What Would Don Draper's Online Dating Profile Say?

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Retro Love: 'Mad Men' Online Dating Profiles
We imagine how the crew at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce would find love in 2013.

The season finale of Mad Men is upon us, and this show is a hotbed of love, lust, and all-out drama. While Don Draper and the rest of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce are great at selling TV time and print ads, would they be as good at selling themselves (and all their dirty laundry) online?

To celebrate the season's finale this weekend, check out these imaginary online dating profiles for everyone from Draper to Joan Holloway to that creep Harry Crane.

mad men finale

Don Draper (sometimes known as Dick Whitman)

About Me: We'll get along just fine if you don't ask me about my past and if you don't expect me to keep it in my pants. (C'mon, look at this size of this thing—I couldn't contain that if I tried.) I'm a complicated man with a complicated history filled with complicated relationships. A lot of complicated relationships. But none are with my secretary, so there's that.

Who I'm Looking For: Like kids? Love drama? Not too big on monogamy? Want your life to have a bit of an Agatha Christie feel? I'm your fella.

mad men finale

Betty Francis (formerly Betty Draper)

About Me: I used to be a model. Now I'm a trophy: Pretty, cool to the touch, not easily won.

Who I'm Looking For: I need a man who loves me for me, not just my Grace Kelly-like appearance. I also need a man who can tolerate an ice queen as well as children. Because I'm sort of an ice queen, and I can't tolerate my own children.

mad men finale

Peggy Olson

About Me: I'm really smart and loyal. I'll bail you out of jail if I have to. But you better treat me as an equal, or you'll be in big trouble. I've somewhat recently come around to the idea of birth control pills, so if you're just looking for a good time, that's fine too.

Who I'm Looking For: Someone who really, really respects women.

mad men finale

Megan Draper (Megan Calvert)

About Me: I'm an actress, and I always get what I want. I won't let anything or anyone get in the way of that. Not even, you know, a pregnancy. Or someone being my boss.

Who I'm Looking For: Casting directors. I'm married and my husband is pretty hot, but a girl's gotta eat, right?

mad men finale

Bertram Cooper

About Me: I love Japanese art and culture, and I hate shoes. I'm a big fan of The Fountainhead, but not so much of The New York Times. I usually know everyone's business somehow, even though I don't care about any of it. (I don't want to think about other people too much, because other people have germs.)

Who I'm Looking For: A class act with conservative values. Is Sarah Palin single?

mad men finale

Harry Crane

About Me: I can be sort of awkward at times and outspoken at others. My biggest concern is the bottom line, even when great civil rights leaders get killed. I don't make the amount of money I think I deserve, but considering I said pretty gross stuff about my boss' wife right in front of her, I may reconsider my stance on that. Maybe.

Who I'm Looking For: Someone to inflate my ego—and other things—without telling my wife.

mad men finale

Joan Holloway (Joan Harris)

About Me: I'm feisty, fiery and a big fan of Marilyn Monroe. We're practically the same person, except I'm a lot more stable. I won't put up with anyone's crap, I'm super organized and I know my worth. (It's at least $50,000. At least.)

Who I'm Looking For: A man out of uniform. And a man who isn't my boss. I'm so over those.

mad men finale

Roger H. Sterling, Jr.

About Me: I'm twice divorced and a reformed womanizer. I always try to do the right thing, even if I sometimes need to drop acid to figure out what that is.

Who I'm Looking For: Don't mind boozing or smoking? Or paternity tests? I'm your man. Especially if your name is Joan Holloway ...

mad men finale

Kenneth Cosgrove

About Me: I love to write—Sci-Fi is my thing. Also, this is sort of an old picture. I only have one eye now. I hope that's not a dealbreaker.

Who I'm Looking For: Unlike Bert, I don't want anyone who hunts, okay? Unless it's with a phaser set to stun.

mad men finale

Michael Ginsberg

About Me: I'm outgoing and fun, but a little socially awkward because I'm a creative genius. Sometimes people think I'm too outgoing, but those people are lame. Also, I may or may not believe I'm an alien. (Told you I was fun!)

Who I'm Looking For: Anyone who can beam me up and help me get over my daddy issues. Except Peggy Olson.

mad men finale

Trudy Campbell

About Me: After a long struggle and a lot of doctors, I'm a mom. I have a lot of patience—as long as you don't make me look stupid. I'm also really stubborn, so technically, I'm still married to my ex.

Who I'm Looking For: Someone who doesn't mind my parents helping out with the bills, and someone with the decency to not cheat on me in an obvious manner. That's so tacky.

mad men finale

Pete Campbell

About Me: My home life wasn't the greatest, so my model for the ideal relationship is a little wonky. Basically, I want a wife and to be able to dip my pen into company ink sometimes. And also hooker ink. And the ink of anyone riding the train with me to work. You can fool around, too, especially if it benefits my work.

Who I'm Looking For: I need a girl who's a lot like Peggy Olson and nothing like my mother. Actually, I think I just need Peggy Olson, but I don't think she'd have me anymore. Peggy? Are you reading this? I think I love you, even though I basically called you ugly the day I met you. 

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