Never deny the flow of tears. Studies say that emotional tears contain toxins and releasing them removes such bad chemicals from your body. Whoever studied this phenomenon was right. After my last trip to L.A. (I’m in the process of moving there full-time for good), I spent several days just weeping. Thank God I’m on holidays for the rest of June because I could not stop. Honestly, I didn’t want to. It was time to let the tears really flow. Now that my eyes are dry again, I am writing about the experience that broke my heart for the last time, because I deserve to be free of it once and for all. Basically, I’m declaring my independence from ever being impacted and thinking about it ever again.
My intention is that I’ll never shed tears over a certain experience again. Between praying to have nothing but apathy in my heart, embracing new moments, and rationalizing why feeling how I did was foolish, I truly want to be done. There is truth to what writer Jane Garapick of Gettingtotruelove.com said to me via twitter: It's always us - the believers, the feelers. When we finally fall, we fall hard. She is absolutely right. In my case, it was just that.
The story of what happened is familiar to my friends and I’ve written about it. Writing is a form of therapy and between the facts and fiction of my romantic rejection, the core of how I felt, was sorrow. Someone took away an icon of romantic hope and now I’m embarking on finding a true love from a place of reality. Usually I forget about someone in a month, maybe two, but not this time. For whatever reason, the incident pressed a wound that needed healing, a wound from a long time ago.
Never be someone’s second choice. Either be first or nothing at all. Even worse is to be the runner-up in the dating game. While I am advocate of seeing several people at a time until the real one shows up, I’m not a fan of men or women using their dates as comparison shop items. I am not saying that this is what happened to me. Simply that his actions left me feeling like an item that was left on the shelf for being defective. In an ideal world I wouldn’t ever give another human being the ability to determine my value, but I did fall hard. For someone so cautious it’s tough when my shield goes down and I’m stabbed in heart metaphorically speaking.
So what did he do exactly? For one thing, I can’t recall being attracted to someone for their looks, personality, intelligence, humor all at once and in equal measure. Either a man was “hot” but ugly inside or average-looking yet had such an intense inner Adonis that he was “all that”. Never before did it happen that someone attracted me inside out the way this man did. He can’t help his effect on me.
However, what he did do was Google me, study the results of my numerous writings, and utilize the data of my public digital footprint to construct a personality profile of me. Armed with that information, he presented himself in such a way that it seemed like he understood me and had similar interests as I. The most compelling thing he did, was discover the story of how a psychic once predicted the man I would end up with, whom I described as “Captain America” based on the characteristics the seer saw.
Did he know the moment he did that it would mean he would capture my entire heart?