Hilarious masturbation euphemisms and when you should use them.
By Michelle Toglia — Written on Mar 11, 2015
Since we love talking about all thing sex, we thought what better way to celebrate that love than with some hilarious nicknames for masturbation? Thanks to a highly addictive Reddit post on masturbation euphemisms, there's really no shortage of ways to talk about your party of one.
To help you pick the one that's best for you, we classified these wacky code phrases so you'll know who they're for and when to use them.
For the times you want to be creative, hide something from others, or even freak someone out, here's your yearbook-style superlatives of masturbation nicknames.
1. Most Likely To Succeed: Shaking Hands With The President
Leave it overachievers to make masturbation political.
When To Use It: Texts, Whispers
2. Most Likely To Show Up On MTV's Spring Break: Slapping The Ham
Think of it as something Will Ferrell would say à la Old School, Wedding Crashers, or anything, really.
When To Use It: Around a bunch of immature guys.
3. Most Athletic: Taking My Talents To South Beach
Lebron James' famous line gets an unexpected spin.
When To Use It: Facebook status — likes guaranteed.
4. Worst Case Of Senioritis: Being A Productive Member Of Society
Perfect for the laziest of folks. Also known as eating, breathing, sleeping.
When To Use It: Anytime, anywhere.
5. Most Dramatic: Waking The Dragon
When you're intense about everything, self-pleasure is no exception.
When To Use It: When you're trying to freak someone out.
6. Biggest Social Butterfly: Down Stairs DJ Party
Even the biggest socialites party by themselves.
When To Use It: When talking to significant others.
7. Biggest Gossip: Lindsay Lohand
For anyone who reads Perez Hilton all day.
When To Use It: Twitter
8. Most Organized: Got An Appointment With My Username
For the person who schedules their one-on-one sessions.
When To Use It: Google Calendar alerts
9. Most Artistic: Finding Nemo
Disney and Pixar knew their franchise would be a hit, but probably not to this extent.
When To Use It: If you're ever going to mention it in front of the kids, this is the one to use.
10. Teacher's Pet: Marie Handtoinette
History buffs, rejoice!
When To Use It: Your diary.