5. Sex Starts With Your Relationship with Your Own Body
For me personally, (and for the majority of the women that I work with), I had to learn who I was erotically. That was pretty vulnerable work and took time. I also think that it's an evolving practice and I'm still doing it. It has involved me taking many different paths to my own self discovery. My husband needed to give me the privacy and the space to go explore that. He had to trust me enough to know that I would indeed come home to him. This takes a lot of trust, and it's not always easy to do. But if you can go there, it is key!
I share my personal journey in my book Shameless, but there are no short cuts in getting really clear about who you are first.
It is only when we are clear about who we are, that we can truly deepened in relationship and take on the hot desires and willful sex that is needed for long term relationship to make it through the years. Remember, we change over time. Who we were erotically when we entered our love relationships may have shifted. We need the time to take stock!
So, last night my husband threw some spontaneity at me, and some willful sex. He created a space of the erotic where there wasn't much desire. And we danced. This morning, I decided to give a listen to my colleague Esther Perel's TED Talk about passion in long term relationship, and she does it spectacularly well: "In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence".
We can all have passionate, often sexy long term marriages and relationships. But first we have to unlock ourselves. Make room for our own self discovery, and then make room for our lovers. We need to learn how to give our relationships air. Create space while knowing that there is some security. It is the secret surprise to passion.
Written by Pamela Madsen from Care2.
More from Care2:
- 5 Ways to Boost Your Libido
- 3 Foods that May Be Ruining Your Sex Life
- Can You Juice Your Way to a Better Sex Life?