Despite being a published sexuality expert who works with countless women and their partners, I'm always my own best case study. I have written and been public about many parts of my own sexuality. Most of my sexuality has occurred in a long term, mostly monogamous marriage of more than 30 years.
I give lectures and have been interviewed on the lack of passionate sex in long term relationships (including my own), and what we can do about it.
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Last night, I realized that I do still have a pretty sexy marriage. That seemed funny to me because not too long ago, my husband and I gave an interview to The Wall Street Journal about having less sex in a long-term relationship. That is still true. But things keep shifting for us, and the couples that I am working with. Sex and passion keep slowly getting better. So what is up?
1. Stick Around a Little Bit Longer Than You Think You Should!
We all know that boiling point, when we think we can't take it anymore. But there is a gift that comes from sticking around, not throwing your cards on the table and walking away. When you allow for some time, and the understanding that relationships can shift, you can often be surprised with what you have.
2. Long-Term Relationships That Remain Sexy Have A Lot of Erotic Privacy In it
My husband and I have our sex life together, and we have an agreement that allows each of us to have a certain amount of erotic privacy and independence in our marriage. It is has slowly been evolving since I wrote a book, "Shameless," about the issue.
Erotic privacy may mean different things to different people. It may mean the privacy to look at pornography and not share some desires with our partners. It may mean the possibility of exploring ourselves within agreed upon boundaries without our partners.
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3. Have Willful, Non-Spontaneous Sex
My husband I and have been exploring this tip for the past year, and it is working for us. I strongly suggest buying a massage table, and setting up a separate place for willful, non-spontaneous sex adventures! Massage tables allows you to explore giving and receiving touch in a new way. It allows for some newness and surprise which is always a good thing to spark desire. There are many great books out there on giving and receiving sensuous massage, and it can be a great way in for sexy in long term relationship sex. Massage tables can get us touching each other again.
4. Understand That Sexual Desire Ebb and Flow
In my marriage, we have known and understood that our passion had an ebb and a flow. Sometimes it is hot, and sometimes it simply vanishes like the sun on a cloudy day for months at a time. But that didn't mean that our relationship was broken. Life is not a romance novel. Keep Reading ...