The one who did went away. As I prepare for another summer trip to Santa Barbara to meet a matchmaker I can't help but be sad and relived at the same time. When I reconnected with Ronan, aka Captain America, aka Colin Farrell doppelganger, and confessed how he made me feel it was a relief. How ironic that the man who could make me feel all those things wasn't the European Old World man I had always expected it to be. Rather, an Orange County native former college jock, that fit the profile of he who was most unlikely to do so. Yet he did.
For months I kept telling myself it never mattered but it did. Ronan did what few can do, particularly a man, which was to have me let my guard down the second I saw him. That rarely happens. It's like a blue moon. Once in a while the phenomenon occurs. Just that this time, the person wasn't meant to be in my life, and it's a mystery how he could have had the effect he did yet be a temporary person in my life. I would love to know the answer but to find it will only make me sad or confused. I want neither. Simply, my commitment to myself is to have peace.
Ronan is the first man I have ever admitted that to even though we don't know one another. The only other time I told a guy he was safe, it was my first adult love Michael, and it was long after we were seriously involved. However, no one else ever heard those words from me, even the relationships I had after Michael. No one except Ronan knew that he could disarm my guardedness.
Vulnerability is not easy for me. In fact, it is downright terrifying and uncomfortable. To admit what I did to Ronan took me way out of my comfort zone. Telling him how he affected me was akin to admitting defeat and walking into a battlefield without armor. Yet I took the plunge and reached out to tell him. There was no agenda except to be able to confess. So much of my actions were driven by fear and the mental mind games of love guru Kathryn Alice.
Alice had convinced me that the man who made me feel safe when no other man I met in 2012 could, was either trying to exploit my feelings or telling me to go away. Somehow I allowed myself to collude with this thought and believed her instead of myself. In the past I never questioned those who evoked such feelings and they led to good friendships that are still in my life. The one time I did, with Ronan, it cost me another one of those kind of friendships.
Yes, Ronan did reply. He was a gentleman about it. He seemed to understand where I had been coming from at the time. Ronan heard me out and now we're complete. I've said what I needed to in order to be free from wishing to see him again. I can't anymore. My intention is that the next man who gives me that safe, comfortable, easy to laugh feelings, will be real and in my life. That was never possible with the false hope of Ronan coming around again one day.