When I thought I saw Ronan in Santa Monica I had that uncomfortable tense feeling. The type you get when you have been nasty to someone unprovoked then they resurface randomly. Call it Catholic guilt but as much as I wanted to say hi I didn’t. I figured he would ignore me or tell me to bugger off. Either scenario felt bad so I jumped in the car and drove to Venice Beach instead. Over dinner my girlfriend challenged me to apply our Radical Honesty homework which required telling the truth to Ronan.
Radical Honesty says that clear communication to someone who triggers discomfort is the path to freeing one’s energy. The result is being at peace with the past. My friend insisted that I apologize and tell Ronan everything without an agenda. The truth does set you free no matter how uncomfortable you get confessing. I resisted at first but realized that maybe it was no coincidence that I thought I saw him. The next day my friend asked me if I had contacted Ronan. I hadn’t. She insisted I do so.
The morning workshop continued and by lunch all that my friend had to do was glance at me to remind me that I had to get honest. By now, I figured I might as well. I didn’t want her challenging me the rest of the day. I went to the nearest computer and sent my message. I told him the truth. I wrote that he made me feel safe and comfortable from the start. He read how my guard went down instantly when we met. Then, in a radically honest move, mentioned that every time I see Colin Farrell on TV I can’t help but wonder about him (Ronan) and hope he is well. For a second it seemed like a teenager was writing this message and not the adult me. Yet I sent it and quickly turned off my phone until lunch.
Whatever the outcome would be at least I told him how I really felt back then about him. The entire experience was a crash course in trusting my own inner wisdom. Kathryn Alice’s insistence on releasing the past is generally a good thing. However, when there is an unspoken truth to communicate, the best thing is to do so. No matter how much I was busy and meditated to releasing past situations something always felt off about my words to Ronan. Kathryn Alice’s advice was to not re-engage because it would prevent me from being clear from the past. The advice only reinforced the past.
Sometimes the rush to let go becomes a tie that binds to what we want to release from. There were two people in the interaction. One asked a question. The other answered thinking it was negative. In the process, the questioner was snapped at, for no valid reason. How is there is anything bad in admitting you were wrong. Even if the other person doesn’t care there is a nice benefit to letting them know you wish you could take it all back anyway.
This whole excercise in being radically honest was confronting for me but now I feel so relieved. Letting the truth come out is an underrated method of being free from pondering what you did and didn't do. It was all perfect timing. Next month I'm going to Santa Barbara to meet with a matchmaker who thinks I am a good fit for one of her paying clients. My book is in edit mode and published by summer. With all this energy back in my system from speaking the truth, it's going to be a great summer.