The moment I no longer saw him as special I was exhilarated
For the past several months I have been a fan of the New York Times bestselling author Gabrielle Bernstein. This past Valentine's Day I delved right into her MediDating meditations and her book "Spirit Junkie". What most stood out to be was her wisdom on "special relationships" and the perils of making someone special. In romantic relationships and our romantic crushes it is inevitable how special a person occurs in our eyes. Sure it feels great to have the butterflies in your heart but it's like a sugar rush followed by a sudden energy drain. The only remedy is to de-special that person. Why? Bernstein writes that we are all special and thus, equal.
Did I put Captain America on a pedestal? Maybe. Love at first sight it may have been but only if love is defined as a temporary break with reality even if you are highly functional in all other areas of life. He, at one point, seemed like the only man who was handsome, intelligent, interesting, deep, and possessed of a "je ne sais quoi". In other words, he was like an object of affection functioning like an idol. My heart was aware that worshiping an object of romantic affection was venturing into dangerous territory. Yet, at times it felt like he was special, and it was disappointing that my feelings were not reciprocated. I wanted to be free of the attachment to wishing he felt the same. As the Buddha taught, suffering is rooted in attachment.
Ironically the very thing that fed my heart ripping attachment was being a consumer of Kathryn Alice's soulmate attraction method. Alice and her promises of being the fastest method to route to connecting true loves with one another. It was during Alice's supposed "Date for Your Soulmate" teleseminar that this "special" man showed on complements of OKCupid.com.
My mind was so focused on Alice's claims and promises of people finding their soulmate within three days of reading her book that it was warped into a false illusion. Alice said I need not be so patient for love. Her advice was fuel to a fire that left me feeling burned. Only by finding Bernstein through serendipity did I really shift to a loving genuine mindset free from attachment.
So, the remedy was to love the reality I did have. A reality that meant I was single and free to attract someone else who felt the same. So I meditated to Bernstein's guided visualizations, cut the chords per se, and gradually he went back to being a member of the human race. Once I could no longer conjure up any feelings of crushing on him, I felt better. Love lorn transformed into exhilaration and liberation. Finally, I could date again and be totally present to the person who was in front of me. Even if there was no romantic spark and least I met a new person and possible made a new friend.
From nothing but a clear and open heart I acknowledged the truth that drove my attraction. Like I have said before, it wasn't ever him. Rather, it was a symptom of old love wounds drawing me towards a man who was the ideal person to trigger old romantic hurts through rejection. The paradox is that rejection is an illusion. Mastin Kipp wrote about how great rejection really was. How come? The other person is keeping you available for the best possible outcome for YOU and the rest of the world! How great is that? Awesome!
Psychology talks about trauma-repetition and that was simply what it was. He was the perfect model of the good-looking athletic guy who was popular, smart, and made the Prom Queen swoon. The kind of guy who would never notice me in College or my early 20's. In being attracted to him I repeated a familiar but painful pattern of yearning to be noticed and liked by the "prize guy" who occupied a collegiate social strata so different from me. In essence I was seeking validation from the wrong place. The only approval I needed was my own.
Going forward, the lesson from my interlude of infatuation and limerance towards Ronan was this ... heal those old love wounds. Once healed the subconscious desire to seek it out in another like him is gone. Proper healing affords us a future different from the past. Letting go was an act of liberation and exhilaration. It was also releasing a wish for my life to be anything other than it is even though I'd love to be with my real love now.
However, here I am. At a place of peace, and ready for true love. After reading Bernstein's books and listening to her meditations, the illusion of Ronan as special started to unravel fast after a power coaching session with the very wise Merry Wise. Then, between BodyTalk sessions with Heather Strang, combined with Debi Berndt's Engaged in a Year deluxe coaching and social life strategies from Matthew Hussey's Get the Guy seminars, even if I don't meet my true love in 2013, I will have found love ... inside of me ... not outside in a hopeless place.