Goodbye. Au Revoir. Auf Wiedersehn. This time it really is Sayonara to a long held hope (when hope is all you have) for love. Captain America was his name. The imaginary man I had envisioned. Sometimes I had a face in mind. Other times he was just a concept. Most of all, he was my hope. Unfortunately, what was my hope was really just a dream or better said, a mirage. Now that I am out of the desert and see clearly once more ... I've written off Captain America. The idea of him kept me company many a night believing we'd meet in person someday. In the end he belonged to my dreams. I'm done with dreaming. I want my waking life to be better than a sleep mode now. That means a baby. Mine. All mine. No adoption. Adoption is a great thing but not for me. The only way I can be a mother is to my own genetic child. The truth made me angry but it set me free to pursue what I truly have full control of (sort of) and that's having a baby. After tossing away all desire for Captain America (he was a myth, not a man) it's been replaced with getting pregnant. So, in May 2013 I am visiting a fertility specialist in L.A. and beginning artificial insemination treatments in June. The donor has been selected. I've been drinking Fertilitea like crazy and taking generous amounts of CoQ10 and Folic Acid in between fertility acupuncture, fertility yoga, and fertility acupressure. Once upon a time it was bliss to imagine what finally being held in Captain America's arms would really be life. Now, the only joy that I feel is looking forward to the day that I hold my own child in my arms instead. So what if Captain America ends up being real and shows up after my baby is born? The answer is simple: it's still goodbye. I made a choice a long time ago that if I were ever a single mother via artificial insemination that the kid(s) would not have a step-father. Why? It's a personal choice. I don't believe in step-fathers. The only man my children should be calling dad is the one who contributed the 23 chromosomes towards their existence. So, since my parth to motherood is unconventional, after they are born there is no room for a man anymore ever in my life. Choices. They define us. This time I'm totally happy and satisfied with my choices and their consequences.
I am done with waiting so I'm starting artificial insemination in June 2013.