After packing up my stuff, I'd call the puppeteer and ask him he wanted to meet me in L.A. That’s right, I'd move to L.A. F*ck that guy — he was dead weight in my life and career. It was too bad we wasted a year and a half on each other.
As I pulled up to the condo I could see Jonathan race down the outside cement stairs to greet me. We walked down a path surrounded by lovely palm trees and beautiful hibiscuses in bloom, and I fought to control my urge to smash my suitcase over his head.
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Jonathan closed the door behind us and asked innocently, "Are you okay? Did something happen on the way down?" I immediately burst into insults, starting with "sexist pig," and moving on to "lousy misogynist who couldn’t see past a girl’s fucking vagina," and I reminded him that he certainly didn’t deserve me.
"What are you talking about?"
"I found your stupid list. You must have felt like a really big man writing that list," I seethed.
"Don’t pretend to be an idiot."
"I'm serious, Ophira, I don’t know what list you’re talking about."
"The list of all the fucking girls you’ve been with! I found it when I was transferring your stupid files."
I could see it dawn on him, and then he sank into a chair. Fuck. This was really happening.
"No that’s not a list ... well it is a list, but I wrote it like a year ago, when we first met, because I wanted to do a comic strip for this sex anthology, and I was trying to organize my thoughts."
"Well you have the thoughts of a misogynist pig. It’s revolting how you think about your exes." I'd run out of words to describe a woman-hater, so I was recycling.
Jonathan exhaled hard. "I know exactly how that must have come across to you, but that’s certainly not how I see you or women in general. It was for this story that I never wrote. How can you not know that about me? You know how I see you."
"Yeah. You see me as a 'comedienne.'"
"What’s wrong with that?"
"No one uses that term! It’s like calling someone a spinster."
"Oh sorry — I didn’t know. I thought that was fine."
"Okay. I’m sorry. I love you. It was just a stupid list. And for what it’s worth, I never want to update that list," he said very softly.
Fuck. I wasn’t moving to L.A. Keep reading...
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