Confession time again. My delayed tears have been flowing when I finally couldn't repress and deny how it felt. The fact is, my honorary older brothers were adamant, when a guy says he wants to be friends it's not a good thing. My problem is that I told myself I wasn't hurt. When I finally admitted to myself that I was.... floodgates. Had I allowed myself to face my letdown it would not have come to this. By repressing those feelings they got stronger from all the pressure of being stuffed down. This video from Matthew Hussey has been very helpful to watch on dating letdowns.
So what should have been a day or two long mild dissappointment got put under the pressue cooker of stuffed down emotions until they could be ignored no more. It was bad timing in some ways. A week after the let down I had a major event to run in Chicago and found out an old work friend of mine died suddenly at age 34 one weekend. I simply couldn't react and in all the stress of unpleasant news my emotions didn't get a chance to heal.
Now, five months after that "blue week" last fall, those old emotions are getting a chance to rise up and out. Just like how a pressure cooker finally whistles that it's ready to simmer. I cried over my friend being gone too young. Let loose the after effects of my stressful moments with lack of sleep dominating my life because of one event after another in a different city that I had to manage. Then faced the heart dropping feelings I should have confronted in the moment and made a decision, or rather, a verdict on my "Friends Zone" policy.
My Final Verdict: The answer is, was, and always will be no. That's NO, NEIN, NADA, NON, and the same word in every language known to man. If I'm not your lover from the get go, get lost.
This is not to say that there are not positive aspects to life in the "Friends Zone", it's simply not for everyone.
Like I said, I do wish I got clarification but the fact that he even dared asked me about being friends means he didn't respect my time, feelings, or value as a person. Who would want someone who would google your name and do the equivalent of a Sherlock Holmes detective work on you, possibly use it to their advantage, then crush your heart? Maybe someone into emotional S&M. Not me.
Oddly enough, the day after this impromptu date that should have never happened, I went out with this handsome Swedish guy who worked for Apple. That date turned into a second and third for the whole weekend. When Monday came around I was only thinking of how to catch up on projects I promised myself I would finish had it not been for the Swedish man.