Every time I see a birth control commercial I want to cry. When I was 19 I was placed on the pill and it was awful. Even the low dose pill didn't work for me. I'd feel nausea and bloating and simply not myself. Eventually I stopped taking the pill and opted for other methods. The thought of a baby equaled a life ruined for me. While I have always wanted children the prospect of motherhood frightened me.
Looking back, I wish I hadn't allowed the fear to be so strong back then. Being 21 is an ideal age to have kids from a biological perspective. Maybe the maturity I felt I lacked would have developed if I allowed the babies to be born. Instead of preventing conception I would have let it happen. Somehow my body was resisting pregnancy because the one time I had been pregnant, I miscarried at seven weeks.
The miscarriage was a relief as I didn't know I was pregnant. The father had moved to Hong Kong when the British bank he worked for transferred him as part of a promotion. We had a comfortable relationship but I was not in love with him. I liked him and he was attractive but I did not love him. At the time the thought of having the child of someone I didn't love was dreadful.
Now, here I am, and it is 7 years later, and nothing would make me happier than an unplanned pregnancy. Love is out of the question. Meaning, I'll have the child even if I don't love the father but how can I when it's through a sperm donor I never met? In the ideal world, it was my wish to have a baby the traditional way, but time is of the essence. I don't have enough energy to be in the flow of forming a relationship if I want a baby next year. So, it's back-up plan, because not having a child will be a bigger regret.