Maybe Baby I'll Have You


If I were 21 again the first thing on my mind would be having children, not the last. Regret sucks

Every time I see a birth control commercial I want to cry. When I was 19 I was placed on the pill and it was awful. Even the low dose pill didn't work for me. I'd feel nausea and bloating and simply not myself. Eventually I stopped taking the pill and opted for other methods. The thought of a baby equaled a life ruined for me. While I have always wanted children the prospect of motherhood frightened me.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't allowed the fear to be so strong back then. Being 21 is an ideal age to have kids from a biological perspective. Maybe the maturity I felt I lacked would have developed if I allowed the babies to be born. Instead of preventing conception I would have let it happen. Somehow my body was resisting pregnancy because the one time I had been pregnant, I miscarried at seven weeks.

The miscarriage was a relief as I didn't know I was pregnant. The father had moved to Hong Kong when the British bank he worked for transferred him as part of a promotion. We had a comfortable relationship but I was not in love with him. I liked him and he was attractive but I did not love him. At the time the thought of having the child of someone I didn't love was dreadful.

Now, here I am, and it is 7 years later, and nothing would make me happier than an unplanned pregnancy. Love is out of the question. Meaning, I'll have the child even if I don't love the father but how can I when it's through a sperm donor I never met? In the ideal world, it was my wish to have a baby the traditional way, but time is of the essence. I don't have enough energy to be in the flow of forming a relationship if I want a baby next year. So, it's back-up plan, because not having a child will be a bigger regret.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.