Living under a cloud of fear casts a shadow that blocks out the sun and possibly the truth.
BodyTalk piqued my interest and curiosity led me to try it out. When BodyTalk practitioner and life coach Heather Strang offered a “Manifest True Love” workshop series in Portland, Oregon it was a gamble that paid off. Fear began to unravel and the truth started to pierce holes in my fear’s arguments about life, love, and people. Vulnerability started to emerge and it gave me many moments of feeling unsafe.
Indulging in fear drove me to never enter a relationship without looking for exits. Usually exits were easy to find. My head was determined to keep my heart safe. It succeeded and exceeded expectations. So I was safe the way living in a fortress is safe. Not much of a love life. The last time I loved someone and allowed them to know me inside and out I was a teenager. There were other more adult relationships after High School but it was never quite the same.
The more you love a person the greater their power to destroy you. Love thwarted can become love madness. Sometimes it’s not clinical madness. Rather, you are fractured, and vulnerable to internal earthquakes every once in a while. Not because of anything they have done but the combination of painful feelings and what you think the experience says about your worth. Had it been different with Aidan I would have become a different person capable of love. At least I like to think so. Commitment is not the problem. Shame is.
Aidan knew me completely, who I was back then. I know he cared for me but it never became romantic. It just wasn’t a fit. In my mind it was more than that. Aidan called me his friend for which I appreciated. From then on the word friend was associated with deficiency of an unknown variety. I can’t say whether I’ve ever allowed anyone else since to really know me that deeply again. There had to have been something wrong with me, my teenage mind thought, because I'd never be seen the way he saw Isabella, Melanie, Jeannette, etc.
An offer to be friends triggers the past and induces a familiar fear response. I’m no longer hearing the person or relating to them. That person is Aidan all over again and saying it will never happen between us. Maybe they are sincere about wanting me in their life. I never stuck around to find out.
Heather’s workshops for me were not about finding a person in the end. They were an instrument or tool to bust my heart out of prison. Without trust there can be no room for love to blossom. A heart imprisoned by a jail of its own making. The irony is that I still hold the key to open the cell door. I just can’t do it yet. Unlock it.
The 2006 film “Casino Royale” is a story about James Bond’s first mission as 007. As Bond plays poker in Monaco he falls in deep for a British Treasury Agent named Vesper Lynd. She betrays him by default and it’s the reason he never falls in love again. Bond sentences himself to an ice cold heart. Only he can lift and set aside the verdict. Does he want to? An endless supply of Bond girls afterwards never seemed to warm his heart. Not the way Vesper did.
Sometimes people are their own worst energy. We act as our Judge, Jury, and Executioner. Choice and Consequence. Crime and Punishment. Agony and Ecstasy. The choice is all mine. My destiny is my call.
Right now, I’m frozen in a deadlock and can’t arbitrate a new fate. If I say no, I guarantee my heart the safety and complete assurance and insurance that it won’t get hurt. If I say yes, it’s a great unknown. Life can go either way. Ambiguity raises the drama of anxiety. Yet in time it could be healing, a soft place to land, and the soul connection that would be a miracle.
For now, a plea bargain is still in effect. The Modus Operendi is to say: I don’t do the friendship thing so call me if it doesn’t work out but I can’t guarantee I’ll be single by then. My intellect will convince me that I won’t be single and/or won’t care if the offer was ever taken up. Meanwhile, my heart wants a chance to prove my mind wrong.