Just walk on by. At least he said that before I moved away for college. Four years of forlorn was enough. I must have unconsciously known that to break a bad love pattern required exiling myself from Aidan. I wanted to turn him into a memory of a love that never was. Better yet, a person that never was in my life. An extreme solution broke a pattern and resulted in a split.
In December 2012 I heard of a new book called “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein. That moment began a domino effect of one miracle after another. Bernstein had created a social media website called HerFuture.com. Book clubs were forming around the book and eventually it led to a new network of fellow readers who were ready to shift into a mindset of love.
More from YourTango: 9 Men Reveal Their Biggest Sex Regrets
One of those people was Heather Strang. Meeting the Portland-based author of “The Quest”, life coach, and BodyTalk practitioner began the process by which I became determined to see with love. Love in the humanistic sense. Fear serves the ego writes Bernstein. When love is present the Divine can intervene and a miracle moment can happen in an instant. I call her “Healing Heather” because as tough as it was she held the space for me to confront my fear.
More from YourTango: The Best Book Gifts For Any Relationship Stage
So I took a chance and dashed to Portland to participate in Heather’s "Manifest True Love" with BodyTalk series. My intellect wasn’t happy but sometimes you have to roll the dice. I was willing to gamble and lose because hard earned cash for the chance to heal being terrified of love. A fright that began when I split love from friendship and fear has run the show ever since. Love and friendship are two distinct things but they can co-exist. Splitting is never healthy. It’s the hallmark of a borderline personality to engage in black and white thinking tied up with fear of abandonment. This is not a self-diagnosis or even a self-disclosure. All I am saying is that sometimes it’s OK to be in a “gray zone”. Not just in love but life.
Through Heather’s “Manifest True Love” workshops the divide in my heart began to dissolve as fear began to diminish. Heather’s patience and guidance have been a supportive remedy as I put one foot in front of the other to walk away from grip of fear. The split in my psyche sowed the seeds for my thin blue line policy around love, lovers, and friends. Friendship and love no longer co-existed in my mind. Now I had a new problem.