Was I tricked? If so, it hurt. Thanks to some "Healing Heather" in Portland the healing began.
Today is St. Patrick's Day and I needed some Irish luck. At least my heart did. For months I never wanted to admit that a man had gone so far as to trick me by using my digital footprint to hijack my gut instinct. He bypassed my radar in true Paul Janka seduction master fashion and it was an encounter with a wolf in sheep's clothing.
What seemed like a person who wanted to know about me was actually more sinister. He cleverly used the data of all my old writings and public review postings on websites like Amazon to create a psychological character sketch of me. Similar to NLP techniques that knowledge was power.
I was tricked to develop such a strong positive regard towards him when it was all just a game to him. What was his end game? He needed distraction, a confidence boost, had to know he was still capable to attracting women, etc. Think of a cross between the Pick-up Artist and the mind influencing techniques of Professor X in the X-Men. I was treated like a lab rat and an article on Psychology Today backs me up.
At first I told myself that I imagined it all. I even told myself that he wasn't that pre-meditated. Eventually, a friend told me to face the truth: He never even liked me as a person. I was simply, like my previous article mentioned, emotional target practice.
In the words of an old Bon Jovi song, talk about a shot to the heart. Talk about giving love a bad name too. Irish luck came in anyway. Just in time. In the form of "Healing Heather".
No, not the Bach Flower Remedy but Heather Strang, Bodytalk Practitioner. She asked me why I was suddenly so upset now, months after the fact, because I hadn't talked about it since late last year.
Well, I may not have mentioned it but I was repressing the lingering thoughts of having been manipulated by my own words on the Internet. It just took my friend in London to force me to face the fact that the man who opened my heart didn't do it by accident. He did it deliberately in a way but felt no regard for me.
My friend suggested a few things, such as meditations to lift a heavy heart or to release the past, forgiveness, and new beginnings, all of which helped. Yet sometimes the cure for the pain is the pain itself which means allowing it to rise up an out of my heart.
As my luck would have it I happened to be flipping the channels on TV the other night since I couldn't sleep. Since St. Patrick's Day was around the corner there were a few Irish inspired films on the channel. When I came upon the movie Ondine it was just the trigger that did it. I've referred to the trickster as Colin Farrell's doppelganger but hadn't seen a film by the actor since he starred in Alexander. That cinematic reminder of what the trickster looked like was enough to have me crying.
Side note: I wonder if it really was the image of the actor that did it of whether my sadness was simply ready to release. Unfortunatley, I couldn't find a Michael Fassbender film to switch to watch. Then again, Fassbender may be the hottest Irish man on St. Patrick's Day but he's half German so I guess the network programmers just couldn't schedule Centurion at the same time to rescue me from having my moment. I'll take the half-Irish guy (Fassbender) over the Irish guy (Farrell) any day. That or a glass of Heinekin with the man from Killarney while we both enjoy a Dunhill cigarette. At least I know I am Michael Fassbender's type: exotic. Doppelganger asking me out in the first place was an anomaly from the get-go since he only likes the Kate Upton or Lauren Conrad look.
So, how did Heather get me to feel beyond the heartbreak so it could start to heal? How did she guide me towards a response to his behavior that would lead to indifference? Her words and through BodyTalk. I always look for an excuse to visit Portland any day.
Here is what she said:
- Focus on the less painful thought.
- You won't always feel this way. I am not so sure you were being tricked sweetie. Breathe into your heart.
- If you are going to believe anything choose a loving thought. Something that is less painful.
- Don't stuff your emotions down or it will be harder to clear. Keep breathing into your heart. You are responding to a comment from a well-meaning friend but it is a reaction to a cluster of fearful thoughts not reality.
- The feeling tricked is coming from your mind not your heart. What does your heart say? (My heart is unsure. Can't say much more than that)
- I don't believe you were tricked at all. And choosing to believe that thought freaked you out - another sign it wasn't a thought that was in alignment with your highest self.
- There is never an accident who comes into your life. Your reaction being so strong in response to what your friend says is a possible sign that it's fear that you are reacting to but not necessarily the truth I think you might have your guard up and are pushing away with "rules." Breathe into your heart space.
- The things he said, they weren't true? You absolutely know this??
- So you're letting it out now. That's good. I would remember too that everyone who comes into our life is a mirror. Where are you being mysterious and not totally available? Then focus on that piece for yourself and healing it. Then men won't come in that are doing that. They are always showing you who they are.
- Oh, stay away from Cosmo! That's just crap!
- You can't go back and change anything. You didn't do anything wrong.
- Well - it doesn't seem like focusing there makes you feel good. So I just want to encourage you to reach for a thought that does feel good. Is really crazy making to let something that happened back then upset you so much now. What is happening in your now that is lovely? Place your focus there love! xo
My lesson on St. Patrick's Day: Always have some "Healing Heather" words in your mind especially when you are sad. For now, my emotions are still healing but that I'm allowing them to feel. My mind is saying: I wish I never met him.
In the meantime I am going to watch Michael Fassbender fan videos and avoid any dedicated to Colin Farrell. Fassbender images are the antidote to feeling blue. Fassbender may be a chameleon but Farrell's twin was the trickster.
Healing Heather (Heather Strang) sees the situation totally differently. She advised me to consider that my evaluation of the events described are a reflection of fear which may or may not be aligned with the truth. Heather suggests that its my fear of a good thing that has enlisted my intellect to convince me that I was tricked. Basically, it's like I am unable to accept something good happening out of fear. It's possible. I simply can't fathom any other reason why someone did what they did.
My friend in London would respond to the same experiences as I like this: just another man who may have had a benevolent curiosity towards her. I can see why she would perceive things that way. My friend looks like the young Angie Everhart and I'm still the overweight ugly duckling from the middle of nowhere, completley invisible when it comes to the whole dating scene, regardless of what I look like now. Even if I could pass for the identical twin sister of the French-Vietnamese actress Berenice Marlohe I would still feel this way.
Heather suggests that I'm still holding on to my past perceptions formed when the reality of my youth in the Rockies taught me ... unless I looked like a Baywatch female cast member, I'd never get asked out on a date. She asked me to consider if my intellect is reinforcing this belief system because my identity is fundamentally attached to keeping it alive. Why? Perhaps I just can't accept that not looking like Brande Roderick doesn't render me invisible. She hints that I'm terrified as a cover up to the root of the fear: I'm unlovable because I'm flawed in some fundamental way but I don't know just what it is.
Epilogue: It's too bad. Had he been sincere I would have, in the song by another Irishman named Ronan Keating, believed again.The miracle in all this is if one day I could see this entire incident the way Heather already does. Heather still says that he wasn't a wolf at all. She actually thinks he may be a German Shepherd. The German Shepherd is my heart breed.