I've met lots of people since I last was in communication with the last one. Gone on more formal dates that were planned and not impromptu so I could actually "doll up". Shared much more in common with others but the heart opening miracle didn't happen no matter how much I wanted it to. So numbers mean nothing and yet they mean everything.
The last time I felt that way it was an instant feeling. It happened with someone who fit the description of what I expected. He and I met in 2008 and it turned out to be very special. We just had to go our own way eventually. I moved to California and he remained out East. Much time had passed since then until Colin doppelganger of Coto de Caza unknowingly thawed out my rather frozen heart.
I have no idea if my mind was tricking me about Colin doppelganger's thawing effect. I've told myself that it was just my imagination playing around with me. All I know is that he made my heart feel that certain type of warmth and tenderness that isn't an every day experience. Whatever the case, I take full responsibility for how I felt even if it was all a mirage. I'm glad we met if just for that. To learn my heart did have an emotional pulse still and could skip a beat in a good way.
So why not stay around the digital dating sea and catch another connection?
That makes perfect sense but it just doesn't feel right anymore. Again, it's all on me, but opening my heart to the last man only to realize I deceived myself, hurt. Not the piercing kind of pain. More like how a flower about to bloom feels if it gets crushed to a powder when still a bulb. That is the state of my how my heart feels right now. I know it will heal.
Why won't there be another? It took alot for my heart to feel like that again that last time in October. For it to start to bloom, and by no one's fault except the way life goes sometimes, it was crushed so quickly afterwards.... it's an ability it and my soul no longer have. In a way it feels like the last circuits capable of fueling that kind of courage are light bulbs burned out. Those were my last supply. They can't be replaced anymore.
However I will give myself a happy ending. I'll write one for the outcome my heart wanted in a fiction tale. But he was the last one.
P.S. Ironically, the day after I published this post, I got a text message from a guy named Nick in San Diego. Nick is the Drew Brees look-a-like from Chula Vista that picked me up on Meetup when he saw my picture. Believing this article was about him after he read this post and another one on writer Heather Strang's book "The Quest"... Nick thought I was writing about him! No, nein, non. (English, German, and French)
Newsflash: There is only man who was able to open my heart after it felt frozen for years in the Canadian Arctic. He's Colin Farrell's doppelganger. So ... Bye bye bye Brees stand in. He, not you, was the last one.