So far, in the three months that Heather has been a healing presence in my life, I can finally conscious of this reaction to love. Instead of figuring out why it's here, I'm focusing on allowing these emotions to rise up and out. Like lava from a volcano. It's not about clearing them. Rather, honoring their existence,and actually loving those thoughts. Heather has taught me to be a lover and not a fighter against myself. So far so good. I'm not in a rush to heal, clear, remove this block to the flow of love.
Maybe one day I will be able to accept it. There is a chance I may never be able to though. Either way that's OK. What is most important is to not fight it or make these obstacles wrong. To do so would be to pour gas on a fire and create an inferno. For now I am keeping a collection of Heather's wisdom to love those imperfect thoughts one day at a time.
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Ironically, there was one person who was able to get past my barriers. The first time I saw him my guard went down. Shock. Without my guard up I wasn't even anxious. Double shock. He looked like Colin Farrell but his appearance wasn't the key reason I was drawn to him. This guy was smart, asked me alot of questions about my life, and was interesting. Sometimes you do meet someone who appeals to you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just remember they may not feel the same which is what happened with Colin's doppelganger. Part of me went into "aw shucks" mode. Another part of me knew that as much as I would have been over the moon had he reciprocated, it would terrified and confused me too. Just like before, there would be confusion as to why he felt the same towards me, if he did. Afterall, his type is Kate Upton.
For the record, here are "Heather's Healings":
Me: I'm convinced that I seem to bond well with Old World men. But typical American men from places like Coto de Caza, it's like we're alien to one another. Is it me or the truth?
Heather: It's you. You can bond with anyone anywhere. But if you make it harder to find these men - then you are self-protecting. Open yourself up to the possibility that there is a greater wisdom out there that is guiding things.
Me: Why and how do I do that? Old World men ... they understood me.
Heather: Ask to have your heart and mind opened to all possibilities that serve your highest good. I'm not saying it's not true you have a connection with Old World, but it's not the only connection you can have.
Me: Why is that love advice bugging me so much? The one that tells me to turn into this ultra-feminine Southern Belle?
Heather: You've got to let yourself feel these feeling instead of trying to fix them or change them or make them better. BE with yourself right now. Notice what's happening within you and BE with it - don't try to change it. You must go through - not around. If it feels bad - it is bad, for you. Don't take any advice unless it feels in alignment with you.
Me: I agree. I find its triggering me. Because Southern Belles are for O.C. Boys.
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Heather: Word girl. Be who you are and let your perfect man step forward.