My first real love was a 25-year-old wunderkind who looked like Michael Fassbender and was an Engagement Manager at Boston Consulting Group. He always told me how intelligent and passionate I was. I picked up alot of German from him and he loved that. When he would come home from his projects traveling to Europe for work the first thing he would say to me often was: you have no idea how much you excite me in every which way. There is no doubt in my mind that he was genuine. The only doubt was why he felt that way for me. Even when he brought me gifts from his travels to Sweden and France, it felt uneasy. I didn't deserve anything. I, in all respects, was nothing special. Is it any surprise I sabotaged a loving relationship that would have led to marriage and children in Manhattan? He deserved somebody. I was nothing. So I subconsciously destroyed that relationship through neglect.
A year later he married someone who looked like my twin sister. I don't have a sister. The difference was, she was from Hong Kong Society, born and raised in on the Upper West Side in New York, came from a wealthy family, had connections, and looked fantastic on paper. I'm sure she was and is a wonderful woman with impeccable character and a devout Catholic. He was better off without me and she deserves him more. I sincerely believe that. If I were ever to meet him again I would tell him exactly that before I walked away again.
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So where is the hope? Heather and her BodyTalk and wisdom plus her book. Heather is capable of standing in the space of me breakthrough this mental block. She guides me with her advice and our BodyTalk sessions around believing and feeling that it's safe to be loved. Heather supports me by allowing me to sit with this cluster of thoughts and beliefs rather than resist it. She is not aggressively being a stand that I remove this block like a surgeon as fast as possible. Rather, she reminds me to heal the root cause at the right pace for me, around the sheer terror I experience at the thought of love.
The thought of a man falling for me hook, line, and sinker repulses me. It would be an unnatural phenomenon. I can see why a man would react to Sofia Vergara or Mila Kunis that way but I can't explain why. It's just natural and makes sense. Whenever I see the fan video to the song Beautiful in White by Westlife I get into a romantic sentiment. The moment the thought of someone I actually liked dedicating it to me enters my mind, makes me mad, and I start listening to old heavy songs to shift my mood. Don't get me started on flowers. The last guy who sent me bouquet of roses to my office got screamed at. Not for his actions but because it clashed with my identity. For some reason, it's safer for me to embody the identity of being the romantically not chosen unloved one. Anyone who provides evidence to the contrary enrages me. Nick was one such example but I truly did not feel any hint of connection to him like I had felt with my first real love.
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Only one clue hints at why I'm wired this way. The book Attached would consider my attachment style to be anxious. Here is what they mean: