That Mortifying Time I Bled All Over My New Beau — And He Loved It

That Mortifying Time I Bled All Over My New Beau — And He Loved It

That Mortifying Time I Bled All Over My New Beau — And He Loved It

He was hot, English and rich; and I sort of forgot what time of the month it was.

Tom was a hot nightclub owner I met at a party. He was English, an army vet and dirty in a way that made me think he would be good in bed. Plus he was loaded and the accent was hot. I wasn't sure at first if he liked me, but my gay BFF Will insisted that he wanted to get up on me. It dawned on me that he may have liked me a little when he later told me I had to sit on his lap because there wasn't enough room for both of us on the sofa. There was room for five people.

Tom asked for my digits and a week later we were out at one of his latest venues. He wasn't boyfriend material, and I needed to get laid ASAP, so I decided not to waste any time. I had just finished riding the crimson wave, so I figured I was now good to go. After getting sufficiently wasted off copious amounts of red wine and Jack Daniels, I brought Tom back to my apartment, where we began to get it on.

That's when it started. The chatter. "Baby you're so hot." "Oh yeah harder." "You're so dirty." "Blah blah."

I'm not into chatty Cathys during sex. I talk enough during the day, so I don't need any more chit-chat while someone is poking me. I suggested another use for his mouth and pushed him down. I waited awhile to feel something. After what seemed like an eternity, I began to wonder if he had any familiarity with a clitoris. I decided I needed to do something before I started chafing. I was just about to get on top when I noticed it.

I was banging a guy with a smurf tattoo on his arm.  And not just any smurf. An evil smurf. It looked like it had been drawn on with the left hand of an inbred, right-handed monkey. What next? Is there a panorama of Gargamel and Azrael framing his butt?

I knew right then and there this session in the sack was going south quick and better get it over with. I got on top to finish this up before I got completely turned off.

    Obviously, I just faked it. Thankfully he finished soon enough so I didn't have to continue too long. We rolled over and lay there.

    Tom broke the silence. "Um, did get your period? There's blood everywhere."

    OH CRAP. I was so wasted and eager to have sex, I had forgotten all about Aunt Flo. The tricky thing about menses is that sometimes it seems like its gone, when in reality there's a little more left. Like a tube of toothpaste you have to squeeze really hard.

    Even in the dark I could see the huge bloodstains all over my black and white French toile duvet cover. I had never been one to shy away from period sex, but not on my own sheets. They were not cheap.

    "Um, well I thought it was done. Sorry!" 

    "I went down on you."

    Hmmm, I had been hoping he would forget that.

    "Well, it's kind of hot in a messed up way isn't it? Like a vampire. Vampires are really hot now."

    I mean what else was I supposed to say? "Sorry I exposed you to period blood?"

    "Yeah, I guess you're right."

    He was so blasé I began to wonder if I could get him to do it again. I was eager to test my powers of persuasion, even if he wasn't really that good. Besides the sheets were already stained, so what difference did it make now? Might as well wield the power that only a naked woman could have. This was way better than role-playing.

    After almost no prodding, he went after me like a fat kid might a cake. Not only did I have a guy accidentally go down on me while I was menstruating, I got him to do it again!

    Too bad about the comforter, though.

    Join the Conversation