4. Offer positive reinforcement. Criticism is not sexy, so use positive reinforcement to get what you want during sex play. Statements like: "I love when you touch me there," "I love when you use your mouth," and "I love when we go slowly—it makes me want you even more," are excellent ways to get what you need while maintaining the erotic tension between you and your partner.
5. Take control of your orgasm. Many of us grow up with the belief that our partners will give us pleasure and orgasms, and because of this, we are often reluctant to take a more active role in creating pleasure for ourselves during intercourse. No matter how great a lover your partner is, he or she can't read your mind and can't steer every aspect of your pleasure.
Your partner should be attentive to your needs, of course, and you should expect him or her to possess sexual skills and empathy to know how to please you. But, he or she can't actually "give" you an orgasm without your participation. Sex is something you are doing together, and your orgasm is just as much your responsibility as it is your lover's. Have sex in positions that allow you access to your most sensitive parts, and be vocal about what feels good and what isn't working. Change positions when you need to. This Lady Got Her Happy Ending Massage (And You Can Too)
6. Consider using a vibrator. There are many options on the market for small vibrators you can use during partner sex. Find one you like and use it—don't be shy. Explain to your partner that your vibrator will greatly enhance the experience of intercourse and will allow you to climax with much less effort.
Vibrators take the pressure off, which allows you to relax without fear that you won't have an orgasm. Using a vibrator during sex says that you are sexually liberated and serious about enjoying sex, and there is absolutely no downside to that.
Diana Cage is the author of Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman's Guide. She is also the former host of The Diana Cage Show, a wildly popular, no-holds-barred nightly talk show on Sirius XM. Her other books include Girl Meets Girl: A Dating Survival Guide, Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus, Bottoms Up: Writing About Sex, and the groundbreaking On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex.