Because life is way too short for so-so sex!
We have sex for many reasons, not all of them physical. But it's that mysterious build up and subsequent release of tension known as an orgasm that keeps us coming back for more and more sex with our partner.
Want to know how to have sex that's better, hotter and consistently more orgasmic? Pay more attention to foreplay and communication, and learn how to take the lead!
If you aren't already having mind-blowing sex and want to be, here are six tips to try tonight (or, any old time, really):
1. Don't skimp on foreplay.
The hottest, most explosive sex happens when both partners are fully turned on, present and focused on each other. Foreplay is the only way to get there—it heightens arousal and increases the desire and the likelihood you'll reach orgasm.
Incorporating extended play sessions into your sexual activities gives your body time to prepare for the main event. You may not realize it, but your vagina actually goes through physiological changes during arousal.
Your uterus pulls up slightly and the walls of your vagina expand in a process called "tenting," making penetration much more enjoyable.
2. ...And don't rush that foreplay either!
Taking time to get turned on turns up the sexual heat in many ways, but one of the most important and often overlooked facts about foreplay is that it gives you time to build anticipation. Anticipation, and the accompanying tension it causes, is like a red hot, super turn-on.
After all, if you know exactly what's going to happen and when, there's nothing to get excited about. It's the need, the build up and the feeling that you might not be able to wait that really make sex hot.
3. Be vocal.
Speak up about the attention you want. Your lover wants to please you, but actually may not know how. Some of us are more perceptive than others, and many men and women worry that asking questions will kill the mood.
Despite the well-known adage that there are no stupid questions, some questions are definitely less sexy than others.
You can solve this problem by talking about your desires. If you want something specific, make it clear. If you simply need to slow things down, try taking control. Don't be afraid to pull back and stop the action or change its course.
4. Offer positive reinforcement.
Criticism is not sexy, so use positive reinforcement to get what you want during sex play. Statements like: "I love when you touch me there," "I love when you use your mouth," and "I love when we go slowly—it makes me want you even more," are excellent ways to get what you need while maintaining the erotic tension between you and your partner.
5. Take control of the 'Big O'!
Many of us grow up with the belief that our partners will give us pleasure and orgasms, and because of this, we are often reluctant to take a more active role in creating pleasure for ourselves during intercourse. No matter how great a lover your partner is, he or she can't read your mind and can't steer every aspect of your pleasure.
Your partner should be attentive to your needs, of course, and you should expect him or her to possess sexual skills and empathy to know how to please you. But, he or she can't actually "give" you an orgasm without your participation. Sex is something you are doing together, and your orgasm is just as much your responsibility as it is your lover's.
Have sex in positions that allow you access to your most sensitive parts, and be vocal about what feels good and what isn't working. Change positions when you need to.
6. Spice things up with a vibrator.
There are many options on the market for small vibrators you can use during partner sex. Find one you like and use it—don't be shy. Explain to your partner that your vibrator will greatly enhance the experience of intercourse and will allow you to climax with much less effort.
Vibrators take the pressure off, which allows you to relax without fear that you won't have an orgasm. Using a vibrator during sex says that you are sexually liberated and serious about enjoying sex, and there is absolutely no downside to that.
Diana Cage is the author of Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman's Guide. She is also the former host of The Diana Cage Show, a wildly popular, no-holds-barred nightly talk show on Sirius XM. Her other books include Girl Meets Girl: A Dating Survival Guide, Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus, Bottoms Up: Writing About Sex, and the groundbreaking On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex.
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