Some movies offer love lessons, while others, like "American Reunion," teach what NOT to do in love.
"Don't mess with the Class of '99, bitch."
This line, said by Stifler while delivering a smack-down to some teenagers half his size, was pretty much the most poignant thing in American Reunion. The crew may be "old" (like, 30ish) but they still know how to get down in this latest installment of the American Pie saga. It's humbling and utterly realistic to see these characters as a bunch of adults, bumbling around and not really knowing what they're doing with their lives.
As teenagers and even in our early 20s, a lot of us think we'll have everything figured out by the time we're in our 30s, but the reality is, that doesn't happen for most people — just as it doesn't happen for most of the characters in the movie. Stifler has grown up to become a temp at some douchy investment bank. Finch works as an assistant manager at Staples. Oz is eliminated from a fictional version of Dancing With The Stars and says wistful things like, "I thought I'd have a family by now." Exclusive! "American Reunion's" Chris Klein: I'm A Romantic, Too
Clearly our favorite horndogs aren't exactly romantic role models, but they do provide plenty of examples for what not to do in love. Like...
1. If your married sex life is in a rut, don't mope around thinking there's nothing you can do about it while salivating over girls half your age and pleasuring yourself to copies of Shaved (what the crap is that anyway?) Talk to your wife (or husband) and set aside some time to reconnect.
2. If a wildly drunk 18-year-old girl is passed out in her bed and you're in the room, leave her alone. This is what we call borderline rape, Stifler.
3. Let's say you're back in town for your high school reunion, and you brought your new girlfriend with you, who turns out to be a sexually crazed drug addict, which you somehow didn't know before. Please don't make out with your ex-girlfriend, who is also in a relationship. At least have the sense to break up with your girlfriend first. And, get to know people better before bringing them as dates to important events.
4. So you're trying to think of ways to impress a hot girl, but you work as an assistant manager at a Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey. No matter what you do, don't lie to her and tell stories of backpacking through South America, living with African tribes, and the like. Just be honest, or it will come back to bite you.
5. If your friend sleeps with your mom, please don't sleep with his mom just to get revenge. That's just so insanely creepy I feel like I don't have to explain it.
Have you seen American Reunion? Do you plan to go see it? What did you think?
More juicy stuff from YourTango: