The ironic thing is, it's not even just my last boyfriends' memories that plug away sporadically in my head. The wounds cut far deeper in my past, and they show up mercilessly without having ever giving them much thought in years. Whenever I'm driving and see license plates in front of me with the last three letters UMM, when I hear the blaring horn of an oncoming train or see specific graffiti tags on landmarkers and walls my heart palpitates furociously in recollection of the four years I shared with the male who used me emotionally and physically as his personal punching bag. Every time I step foot into a Walmart grocery for food, I scoff at the time I once was an employee at one of the local stores and muddled my way through one kinda/sorta boyfriend, a one night stand, and two lazy, mooching, cheating liars, all of whom were fellow coworkers. Regardless of whether or not I want to have these triggers affect me anymore, they have all engraved themselves long ago, and if I was to shut out every square inch of the paths I had taken with those men, I'd literally be confined to my room forever. Certain places may be off limits for a while at first when a relationship closes its doors, but you can never learn and grow past what used to be if you never brave the fight and face the beast someday again.
So even though I profess happiness in an almost sickening volume that may or may not drive friends and family into exhaustion from time to time, I do have my moments and days where yes, I'm human and fall into saddness. It doesn't come swiftly and persistent like it once had, thank goodness, but the grief still surfaces, I am just better now at keeping it under a low profile. There's no shame in having a down day because if we didn't know what it feels like to be disappointed, how can we know and appreciate the marvelous moments of great fortune when they arise? I don't force and feign being happy for onlookers, I truly am in a solid place with my solitary circumstance. And anyway, no one is ever truly alone with friends and family resting in the wings, and those I have a thriving cornucopia of. So even being rested up on the barstool last night and feeling like Alanis Morissette in her 'Thank You' video with a blurred collective of Tacomans whizzing by and life moving along around me (except for the whole nudity bit), mixed emotions of bliss and future woes stirred within and I welcomed its presence.