Even in a toxic relationship, we have the tendency to hold on and place our own perceived reality of it onto a makeshift pedestal for one universal reason; Fear. Fear of losing the comfort of home after so much time that has been invested, fear of being alone and having to start with someone else all over again (if finding someone else is even a possibility), fear of the unknown vast land of Singlehood that gets painted in dark dreary colors no matter how much everyone may profess that you needn't worry since there's 'plenty of fish in the sea'....ugh. I was guilty of this feeling time and time again which resulted in a revolving door of dead end relationships that always left something to be desired in my emotional bank. Four months have whizzed by since I was last part of a couple and I was certain that with every activity I had injected into my existing harried schedule that I no longer had time for that Fear to rise up again, and it hadn't, but last night in a sea of jubilant drinkers, friends and strangers, I found myself for the first time since November acknowledging that gut wrenching pull of accepting that I was lonely.
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I finished up my meal to make my way back to the car. Street lights shone on the sidewalk in front of me, exposing the same cracks and character I couldn't help but recollect that not too long ago, were once trampled over by myself and that certain plus one. Was it Him specifically I missed? No. The unfortunate downfall of a breakup is that the memories of shared excursions to different outings fail to dissolve with the fallout of a relationship. They linger right where you left them until you happen upon them again without thought, like pocket change that vanishes between couch cushions. Sometimes it's a happy surprise to find it again and you're either convincing yourself it's 'new' money or you're kicking yourself for not noticing the loss in the first place, angry that it had been there all along and you were just too preoccupied with everything else to give notice and now the value is diminished. A good or bad end result is always a 50/50 call.
I have grown stronger without the negativity that my Ex supplied in heavy doses while we were together, but once in a while on rare occasions like last night, I almost miss having that frustrated interaction or argument with a partner. Not a certain someone per say, but just another adult in general who isn't 'just a friend' to fill the gap of silence between me and a weekend in the city, the city Him and the boyfriend who came before him, pulled me into and opened up my heart to the glory it provided. Even aware that I don't live there and that I'm not tied to anyone that would have me there every week like I used to be, the desire for new adventure always lingers and beckons me back so that I may try and create new relics as my solo self that is no longer codependent on the leading man in my world.