Making Marriage Work: Changing Relationships

 

Take a quick spin on any talk show and you’ll hear a lot about passion and romance. But in the real world, none of the couples who have been successfully married for a decade or more are floating around on a cloud of passion and romance – they are working together as partners. I’m reasonably sure they don’t spend hours staring deep into each others’ eyes – there simply isn’t time for that sort of thing.

A Real Relationship Changes
There are all sorts of relationships, and if you stay with your partner for enough time, you’ll probably move thorough some of the various types, too. The first stage of the marriage is the dating and romance phase. This is where you obsess about wedding dresses and engagement rings. The romance continues into an engagement and then into the first few weeks of married bliss.

Once you’re married for more than a few weeks, things start to settle down around you and you enter the period of compromise. Neither one of you has to impress the other one, so you start to look for ways to just have fun together. This is also a time that you might start to spend some time apart in order to keep your own interests and hobbies.

Some couples struggle with this development, especially if one person is ready to start settling in and the other still wants romance and fun dates as if you were in that first exhilarating year. For a lot of couples, this first year proves to be difficult as you get to know each other well enough to not want to kill or kiss each other every moment of the day.

A Lasting Relationship
The longer you’re married the closer you come to an independent partnership. In my humble opinion, this is the best sort of marriage. Both parties in the marriage are comfortable in their own right and therefore aren’t bringing baggage and drama to the mix. You can sit together in the same room and never speak, but look up and just know what the other person is thinking.

The comfortable relationship can have its ups and downs as well. For some couples, there are shifts as new responsibilities are added – childcare and household duties might cause a few spats, for example. This is also a time when the sex might start to get a bit routine and boring. But fortunately, you’re probably comfortable enough with each other that you can talk about these things honestly and try new things together to bring back balance and a bit of spark.

Looking Forward
Having only been married ten years, it’s hard to say what it will be like after twenty or thirty years together, but one thing is certainly clear – there will be more changes and things will continue to evolve and change. While we'll never have the wild passion of a celebrity, plastic surgery will likely keep my figure sharp down the road, and I know my husband will love that. He’s going to pursue more lucrative career choices which will allow us to do more traveling with and without the kids and that will be good for both of us as well.

Ten years is a long time, and if they have taught me anything at all, it’s to focus first on being comfortable with me. Then, I’m more able to be confident in our relationship as well.