Three Women Say Why They Struggle To Date Within Their Race

This is a blog post by a member of the YourTango community and does not represent the opinions of YourTango.com or it's employees.

I recently read a post from a man, a black man, who was giving reasons why statistics supported him dating white women. While the premise was trite, he had some good points. Unfortunately, they were lost in about 5 or so pages of whining, bitterness, and more whining. I was really just plain disappointed and thought, Why can’t we have a conversation about this?

I have a small group of girlfriends. All of us are educated black women, articulate and thought provoking. We are a cross between Sex and the City and Living Single. We would get together once in a while for a girl’s night of wine, food and detailed conversations. Inevitably, our conversations would turn to the men in our lives, or, rather, the men who weren’t in our lives. We shared our thoughts, our hopes, our goals, no apologies, no take backs.

So in thinking about black women and black men, who else would I turn to but Cassie, Raine & Mimi (pseudonyms, of course)? For the sake of brevity, I asked only five questions. Why? I’ve learned that the issue of black men dating black women is, at the very least, complicated and won’t be solved here on YourTango. I also wanted to present some intelligent insight that’s not angry or bitter in a concise format. So here’s how this discussion went:

What have been your experiences dating black men?
Cassie: I have had horrible experiences dating black men. They have: lied, cheated, used me, been self-centered, egotistical, and the list continues. While I do not feel that these adjectives are unique to black men, I have not had the best experiences. By the same token, I have also had wonderful experiences with black men. I have been treated like a queen. I have been catered to, adored, pleasured, understood, received intimacy. It depends on the man, not the race. However, overall, it has been horrible.
Raine: Every black guy I have dated is different. Each possessed a quality I like, but none wanted to commit. Except the Haitian guy who wanted me to be something I was not, a law abiding wife to my husband and do everything he says, including sex on demand.
Mimi: I've never had a positive relationship with any black man. My most recent turned out to be very volatile. He took my money and treated me like sh*t. Reason being he hated his mother and was physically abused by various stepfathers after his own father abandoned him. He manipulated me into believing that I was evil and deceptive. He flipped everything he was doing on me to make it seem as if I was doing it to him. He really had me thinking that I was using him. I just didn't pay attention to the warning signs.