Love Is Not Pain: Dr. Romance Explains Love
By Dr. Tina Tessina. Posted on .
Dr. Romance writes: Many people ask me, “How will I know if I'm in love?”
Answer: Anyone who's in love usually knows it; the real question should be are we mutually in love, or am I wasting my time? If you want to be secure in your primary relationship, knowing how to create mutuality and work together greatly increases the chance that you'll make it as a couple. When I’m counseling couples on the verge of divorce, it’s amazing how establishing mutuality allows the love to come back.
Mutuality Prevents Heartache
Hundreds of years ago, a Renaissance bard wrote:
When Love is kind, cheerful and free,
Love’s sure to find welcome from me.
But should Love bring heartache and pang,
Tears and such things, Love can go hang.
Love that is not mutual is the kind that brings “heartache and pang”—and can leave you wondering how you ever left yourself open for such agony.
Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. There are four major areas of mutuality that must be present if a relationship is to succeed and grow: love, benefit, trust and support.
- Mutual Love: Love is the constantly renewing energy that keeps a commitment alive. When both partners feel loved, and both feel appreciated for being loving, commitment can thrive.
- Mutual Trust: As promises are kept and feelings respected, trust in each other grows. In order for equality to exist, both partners must experience roughly the same degree of trust.
- Mutual Benefit: The benefit we gain is based on what each person knows he or she will get out of the relationship, and how each person is enhanced by being in the relationship. While each partner may perceive different benefits to differing degrees, and may value certain benefits differently, the sum total of the relationship must feel similarly beneficial to both partners; if not, unequal power results, and resentment will develop.
- Mutual Support: Although relationships can involve a certain amount of stress, when we feel committed, we feel willing to face the difficulties and the challenges of working things out. Implicit in a loving relationship is the understanding that you and your partner will support each other—emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, verbally—to the best of your ability, through both good times and bad.
When the above four conditions exist, the mutuality necessary for true love exists. Recognizing this is especially important if you have past relationship experience in which your needs have not been met, you felt unloved, or you were abandoned. Evaluating your mutuality is also a good way to discover whether you are ready to commit to a relationship, or need more time to build. If you're paying attention to whether you and your partner both feel love, trust, benefit, and support, your intuition will probably be a pretty good indicator of whether mutuality truly exists. Most people report that they are aware when their relationships feel unfair and unequal.
To Build Mutuality
