Do NOT Take A Friend To A Wedding

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going stag
The opportunity costs are just too high not to go stag at a wedding.

The traditional wedding season is threatening to close for the summer (and get ready to put your white pants and shoes away while you're at it), but I have some advice for you because some of your "cheapskate" friends will surely sneak in a fall or winter wedding. And here's my advice: whenever the wedding may be held, you should strongly consider going stag.

I'm not suggesting that you put Wite-Out over the Plus One if you're married or seriously dating someone. And by seriously dating, I mean have met parents* or have grown secretly bored with the sex you're having. Big, big milestones in any long, healthy relationship. However if you just want to show off Coudersport, PA to a friend for the first time, do everyone a favor and leave that friend at home. Men Most Likely To Cheat At Weddings

First of all, other people's momentous occasions are boring. Like Merchant Ivory boring. Outside of when that prince with the huge chompers married that chick whose sister had an amazing back porch, no one has ever watched the wedding of someone they didn't know and come away with anything other than, "Huh, how 'bout that?" Maybe your friends are a bunch of hep cats, but babysitting your date is going to be a world-class pain in the perineum. Rent A Wedding Guest?

At some point, the talk is going to get to old shenanigans and funsters who couldn't make it to the wedding. Even good anecdotes get bo-ring when you don't know anyone involved. Furthermore, you're probably going to have to do some introductions and who wants to explain that you're "just friends" or maybe have sloppily rounded third base a time or two? Someone's grandma is going to insist that you're a cute couple and mention that she and her husband started out as "just friends," even though we all know for a fact that men and women only started being friends in 1962. Talk about pressure! How To Be A Stress-Free Wedding Guest

And let's not forget about all of those singles ready to tingle. Weddings do something to people. And that thing is of (potentially) high erotic value. At the risk of veering sharply into Wedding Crashers territory, nuptials are a fantastic time to meet someone whether for a night or 10,000 nights. Furthermore, unless you're a coin toss from knowing someone Biblically, you're missing out on a grand opportunity for the greatest thing known to man: hotel sex. Unfortunately, hotels don't come free (or without much handwringing).

Finally, flights also don't come free. Nor do dinners, hors d'oeuvres and fancy gift baskets. If you're not going to consider the strain of travel and new clothing expenditures, think about the absurd cost per plate the betrothed couple (or the bride's father) will be ponying up for your friend date.

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