Baby Talk: In Our 40s, We're Still Not Sure If We Want Kids

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baby pacifier
How one career-oriented New York City couple weighs out the pros and cons of having kids.

My husband and I came to relationship the same way: we both always assumed we would have a child, we just didn't know when. Like so many, we thought first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But, it’s been almost four years and the conversation hasn't progressed much further along, until we were both staring at my picture in the paper last week with a caption that read, Tamsen Fadal, 40, is one of a growing number of NYC women—who include TV host Rachel Ray—who are prioritizing their fabulous lifestyles over having kids. Now we are talking.

Both of our mothers died of cancer at very young ages, and that is always something we bring up in the conversation. My mother died of breast cancer. She was a great mother. It was what she lived for. But, after she died, I was always very scared to love that much again. And so, the idea of a child was never at the forefront of my mind. I put my career there once I got out of school and never gave it much thought—until now.

We've had the Baby Talk countless times in the past, but without any true resolution. I can't compare it to any other conversation we have had, in terms of seriousness (though it's always been a discussion, never an argument—not even close to one, actually). Even when we talked about marriage years ago, that conversation paled in comparison. This one involves many factors, so much to take into consideration and for both of us, it's important for it to be the right time. Though, all moms tell me, there never is a right time. Our Children Don't Make Me Happy

We take everything into account: careers, money, family around to help and, of course, health. At 40 and 44, we are now faced with the reality that it could be very difficult for us to even have a baby. But, still, we are weighing the pros and concerns (we don't see them as "cons"). Concerns such as: do we want children at a late age? Will be we good parents? Is New York City going to be a good place to raise them? Can we afford to raise them in New York City? And finally, the question that brings us full circle: when?

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