After a contemplative walk in white pants and a fluorescent green tank top, Ashley meets up with her freaky tattooed sister Chrystie, brother Elliot, mom and stepdad, who have flown to Fiji to meet her suitors. JP meets them first, for about 15 minutes. They laugh, they break bread. Group hug, right?
Then Ashley sits down with her mom and sister for a little girl talk and Chrystie says bluntly: "He's not the one, sorry. I don't see it, and I'm awesome. As you can see from all of my disfiguring tattoos." Ashley is stunned and starts bawling. Chrystie is then like: "Why are you so upset, sis!?" Bitch.
Then Chrystie sits down with JP and rips him a new one, too. He keeps his calm and tells the wicked witch that he's 100 percent in love with her. She bites back: "But you're so old! What are you, a pervert? Ashley is way too young for you. We liked Brad way better." The conversation ends with JP not getting approval. And he's pissed.
The next day, before Ben gets thrown to the lions, Ashley sits her awful sister down and tells her to STFU around her man, you bitch! And Negative Nancy is like, "I'm too rational for this sh*t."
So Ben shows up and Chrystie practically crawls over her sister to sit on his lap. OK, she's not that into him, but she does refrain from gnashing her teeth during their one-on-one.
The next day, Ashley takes Ben on one last helicopter ride to a lake where they spend the afternoon rubbing mud on each other. That night, Ben says he loves her. Awww.
And even though JP got lambasted by the meanest sister ever, he's still happy to see Ashley during their last one-on-one the following day. They ask each other some hard questions, but the date ends with JP telling Ashley that he loves her.
The day after that, it's go time. Ben and JP pick out rings, Ashley gussies up in a billowy gown, the boys hop in a private plane, the music swells and Ashley takes her place. You always know the first dude to show up is the one that gets booted, so after a quick commercial break, we're privy to another kind of break: Ben's heart. He doesn't know this as he walks, ring in pocket, to the lady of the hour. She makes a weak attempt to stop him, but he gets on one knee and proposes to her. She says no. He looks shocked, and then walks away. Ashley chases him and is all like: "You're still a super-cool guy!" He snaps, "Don't sugarcoat this, sweetheart."
Don't worry, Ben! You'll be the next bachelor! And you'll find way better tail than Ashley.
After the break, JP flies in and makes his move. He struts up to his gal and, after the nerves settle down, pops the Q. She says yes, of course. Music swells. You know the drill.
On the After the Final Rose special, Chris Harrison sits down with the cast. Ben is candid and cute. Ashley has too much makeup on. He's real. She's fake. It's boring. Then JP comes out, looking dashing as per usual. He's a cutie. Remember Chrystie, Ashley's horrible sister? She comes out and eagerly apologizes, too.
So what does the future hold for JP and his bride-to-be? NYC all the way, baby!
Ahh… so that's that. The season is over. Can we stop caring about this? Until Bachelor Pad starts, anyway?