Awkward Sex Advice From Cosmo: June Edition

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cosmo cosmopolitan magazine cameron diaz cover june 2011
If making the Tarzan call or saying "pee-pee" are your ideas of sexy, pick up that Cosmo stat.

Man, after a long day at work, it sure is nice to curl up on my couch with a lusty and luscious Cosmo and some Cameron Diaz sideboob! Which, by the way, I stared at for 10 minutes, wondering what would happen to dear Cameron if a gust of wind (or just some heavy breathing) blew through. I mean, can that even qualify as a shirt?

It’s OK, Cosmo redeemed themselves quickly when I found an article called 'Boys on the Rebound.' Their goal? Decipher how long it would take each of the steaming hotties to get over their exes. How they came up with these calculations? Very scientifically, of course! A picture of Justin Timberlake in a deep and tight V-neck indicated he won’t be hurting for too long. Cosmo said 2 months tops. With those deep set eyes and tight abs rippling under his shirt, what is he waiting for anyway, right? Whatever Cosmo, looking like that it’s going to take him a day to find rebound. Because I’m flying to L.A. tomorrow to climb him like a Redwood tree (hey, he is wearing green). College Candy: Tuffy Luv Sez Take a Chance for Love

In a hot state of affairs, I rushed to the '101 Things About Men' article to gain some insight on my future trip to build a fort in Justin Timberlake’s penthouse suite (or pants).  This month it’s all about emotions. Cosmo informed us that our tears cause his libido to tank. Apparently, when guys were asked to compare the smell of salt water and actual woman’s tears (how many episodes of One Tree Hill did they make those women watch?) activity in the areas of the brain men associate with sexual excitement decreased when they took a whiff of the crying stuff. Uh, it’s not like I’m a vampire and cry tears of blood, boys. Really, it’s not that scary, boys! But don’t worry ladies; if you’re too busy crying and freaking him out, Cosmo says you can seduce him in a single touch. By stroking his…. forearm.

Wow, definitely not where I thought Cosmo was goin’ with that one…

Moving on. Did you know Cosmo included Kingston Rossdale in their Stud Meter this month? That’s right, the 20-30-somethings at Cosmo declared a three-year-old a stud. Oh—what was that? He’s four? My bad, that just makes having a toddler next to George Clooney on the Stud Meter THAT much more appropriate. I need a loofah. I feel dirty.  College Candy: No Matter What You Say, Justin Bieber is Still a Little Boy

Before we get to the really juicy stuff, I wanted highlight an article that lets you know if you’ve been teasin’ your man a bit too much. Apparently, if he’s developed carpal tunnel from curling his toes, he has a tattoo on his butt the shape of your hand from grabbing it too much and he asks to take five so he can carbo load, you are simply tantalizing him way too much. What?  There is such a thing as encouraging too much sexual excitement? I call BS.  Girls, you’re doing great—give him a cramp he won’t ever forget.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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