Now is the time to make eye contact. Do it. Wow, she really is beauti—she’s taking her shirt off! Next time, need to wear "fat"jeans, roomier, more erection-friendly. Maintain eye contact. More kissing. Mix it up; she likes her ears lightly nibbled, and I know this because she has told me this. Now, kiss neck. How is it possible for human sweat to smell this good? Women must have different glands. About to unfasten bra clasps. Concentrate! Keep kissing. Why is this so complicated? Crack knuckles like safe cracker. Big stupid man fingers. Tiny stupid elf hooks. These things should come with a rip cord or explosive bolts. Laugh. Roll eyes. Say something! The Frisky: Why Is Everyone So Concerned About My Anus?
Why did I say "I think your bra is broken!”? Idiot. Moron. But she’s laughing. Crinkling her nose. Man, I have got to be seen in public with her, because no one is going to belie—did she just unhook her bra with her mind? Seriously, she’s part hummingbird; how the hell did she do that? Nipples! I wonder if she’ll let me motorboat … focus, tiger. Take a break. Eye contact. Set the scene. Ladies love a romantic scene with low light, potpourri, and romantic crapola like that. I read that once in that issue of Glamopolitan magazine I jerked off to at my ex’s house that one time because she never kept porn around. If only my ex could see me now. A blue ribbon for balling.
Grab her hand and lead her to your bedroom. Move quickly, Delta Force speed. Recently laundered 199 and a 1/2 thread count sheets? Check. Lit "Vanilla Meadow Mist" candle? Check. Music? Arcade Fire is too depressing. Justin Timberlake makes me angry. Sigur Ros? Sounds like Europeans dying in the woods. You have got to impress her with a causal, yet genius, taste in tunes. Beyonce? Sure. Yes. Fine. How did that even get in my iTunes? Dude, she’s naked. Waiting. Does she have the cutest little trimmed triangle? High-five. Now is the time—unleash the boner. Unbutton, don’t rip. Take pants off without falling over. Hop! Hop! Don’t forget the socks. Suck in the gut. If you can’t look like a Spartan, act like a Spartan. Will those abs, bro!
Behold, maiden, Excaliber!
Crawl into bed and kiss her everywhere but the places she is expecting you to zero in on and kiss. Shoulder, neck, smooth creamy belly. Oh, she’s aggressive! She’s going down on me. Squealing is neither sexy nor appropriate. Sweet merciful non-denominational higher power, she’s good at that. How did she get so good? Blot that out, doesn’t matter. Not at this exact moment. Yes. Yesss. Don’t put your hand on her head. Where is that blue stress ball? I need to do something with my hands. Mental note: invent a sex toy that gives men something to do with their hands whilst getting blown. Yes, excellent sucking technique. Nice balance of stroking and licking, and equal attention to das shaft unt bawlz. Is that a finger going to my unmentionable no-fly zone? Please-oh-please no … no … oh that’s nice. A happy compromise. Alrighty! Too good! Stop her, thank her. But not profusely, as that is creepy.