Why Rape Fantasies Are OK

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couple making out while blindfolded
Should rape fantasies be indulged or ignored?

Ghose adds, "Rape fantasies are not about violence. They are about relinquishing control, and being able to completely surrender."

So how does one approach a partner when they have a particularly unusual fantasy? How To Tell Him Your Fantasies [VIDEO]

"If it's pushing their icky button," says Monet, "it would be really great for them to enlarge their vision of what's normal and what's OK. Help them do research online about your particular fetish or interest, so that they can see how common it is. This normalizes and humanizes it."

After that, if your partner is willing to explore this fantasy with you, what's most important is planning—in detail—every aspect of your fantasy as it will play out in the bedroom. Decide upon a safe word, such as "yellow" for "slow down" or "red" for "stop." Make sure—especially if you're a survivor of rape or abuse—that no aspect of this fantasy will be triggering for you.

"The receiver needs to indicate what is OK and what is not OK," says Ghose. "Above all, communication is key. Telling your partner what you like, and what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, can make a rape fantasy enjoyable and worthwhile."

But what about those who insist that fantasies about non-consensual sex indicate an implicit approval of rape? Should Fantasies Be "PC"?

"That view is absolutely incorrect," says Ghose. "Rape fantasies do not condone or allow violence. It has more to do with surrender, the ability to let oneself go completely in a safe and comfortable space. Arousal and climax are a delicate balance of anxiety and relaxation. Being preoccupied and fearful for your life does not stimulate anyone."

"It's certainly not true to me amongst the people I know," adds Monet. "I admire how expertly they (the S&M community) do boundaries. Draw up contracts and negotiate every detail of the relationship. They understand the difference between consensual and non-consensual."

At the conclusion of our chat, Monet lays it out simple: "Rape is doing something against somebody's will. One is consensual and one is not. The end."

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